When robbing a jewelry store it's important not to leave behind any finger prints. It goes without saying that you should also try to avoid leaving behind any fingers.
Criminals should also avoid leaving behind pictures of themselves.
Wisconsin's mother of the year.
"It does not make him a bad man, just a stupid one."
A guy's talents are simply being wasted if he can break out of jail using only a fingernail clipper.
Every time I go to the doctor I end up sitting, quietly and bored, in the patient examination room for at least 30 minutes. Eventually I find myself staring at the cabinets, wondering what's in them. But I never look, because I'm afraid the doctor would walk in and I would get in trouble -- lots and lots of trouble.
Here's some comforting news: Most people are simply too dumb to follow the instructions necessary to save you life.
"OK, wait. So, when you say that I've got to breathe for him, do you mean that in a sort metaphorical sense?"
Eh. They aren't going anywhere.
Students' first tip-off came when the speech began: "Congratulations, Vassar College graduates of 1956..."
Wait. Beatles songs were influenced by drugs?! I am shocked. Shocked, I say.
Twitchy the Spasm Hound says: "Only you can prevent canine epilepsy."
Not surprisingly, Stephen Fry once portrayed Oscar Wilde.