Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Household Olympics

Note: The following post is immature.

Well, my lymph nodes are swollen, my body is aching, and I've got a sore throat. Yep, I've got Olympic Fever!

With the Olympic games only a few weeks away, I've been trying to think of ways to enhance the experience for those of us not able to join in on the plate-smashing fun in Athens.

I've decided that we need a series of Olympic events in which we can partake during commercials, from the comfort our own home.

Since I am lazy, I have hitherto only thought of a single event: the bladder time trial.

For this event you will need a beverage of your choosing and a toilet. The goal is to see how long you can go "No. 1," as they say. Or maybe it's "No. 2." I've never been very clear on the numbering system. As a child, I always used the word "tinkle" to describe this activity.

(It's a shame I don't continue to use that word. I can just imagine sitting at the bar with my rugby teammates: "Excuse me fellas, I have to tinkle like a race horse.")

Competitors in this event time themselves on how long they can maintain a steady tinkle stream. Stop-start tinkling and foreign devices are not allowed -- such behavior does not hold true to the spirit of the Olympics.

Much in the same way that the United States is the current Olympic rugby champion because rugby has not been part of the Olympics since 1912, I am the current world champion in the bladder time trial because no one else appears to have thought up this event.

Equally, I hold the world record time: 47 seconds.

Of course, there are men's and women's divisions of the event. I don't think it's fair that the two sexes would compete against each other. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure women would always win.

If you can beat my time or can think of another Household Olympics event, leave a comment below (Note that you don't have to be a Blogger to leave a comment).


Jenny said...

My brother and I used to use a broom to pole-vault over our dog.

Yeah ... we had to make our own entertainment in those days.

Chris Cope said...

Did you have to stick you landings, gymnast style, or did you use the more traditional flop-on-back landing?