Last night, our white Honeywell fan cut out at 12:48 a.m. I got up and stared at the outlet in the slow-thinking gape that comes when you first fall out of bed. I tested the outlet with a small lamp, and thus accidentally woke my wife from her grumpy bear-style slumber.
"The fan probably shorted out," she growled. "Go get the other one."
I slipped on my shoes and stumbled downstairs to pull our black Honeywell fan from storage, and few minutes later I was back in my bed, happily listening to the soft whirring of the fan and feeling consciousness ebb away. My wife will no doubt complain to me later today that she is tired because I woke her up in the middle of the night.
In the year 2005 I resolve to:
Here's an actual press release sent to the offices of my benevolent employer today:
POMPANO BEACH, Fla. - Teen pop sensation Aaron Carter is lucky to be alive following a near fatal car crash that left his car burnt beyond recognition.
At around 12:30 am, Aaron was driving on the Florida Turnpike near Sample Road when a mattress flew off of a truck in front of him. Unable to avoid the object, Aaron drove his Cadillac Escalade over the mattress, which caused the underneath of his car to ignite. With flames quickly engulfing his car, Aaron was able to pull the car over and exit shortly before the car exploded. Carter was trying to extinguish the flames with water bottles when the entire car blew up from the bottom, blowing out all of the windows.
Emergency Medical Services responded quickly to tend to Aaron, who escaped with only minor bumps and bruises. He is currently recuperating at a friend's house and is still determined to make it to his photo shoot in Orlando, which is where he was headed when the terrible incident occurred.
"I am so lucky to be alive right now," says Aaron. "I can't believe I survived another near death experience- I feel like I am a cat and I only have 5 lives left! I am still in shock over everything that just happened, but I really want to thank all the policemen and emergency workers who rushed to help me. Also, the support of my father, lawyer and friends are really helping me to stay positive."
Carter's father and manager Robert, as well as his lawyer Scott Salomon, were the first two people Carter reached out to immediately after the accident. His estranged mother, Jane Carter, moved 500 miles away from Aaron he sees no reason to seek her out at this time.
"I know that Robert shares my astonishment and gratitude that Aaron was able to survive this scary ordeal," says Salomon, who handles all of Carter's legal matters. " We are here to offer him support in every area of his life, and we know that this will just add to Aaron's already invincible strength of character."
Dear Aaron, you are a moron. Bottles of water?!
Oh, and screw you for driving a car that costs more than what I make in a year.