Monday, February 7, 2005

Gruesome death sells

  • Has anyone in Philadelphia ever heard of a no-huddle offense? Usually, that's what you would use to eliminate a 10-point deficit when there's only 4:30 in the game. Andy Reid may want to work on that for next year -- assuming he doesn't lose his job for failing to use it.

    There's not much to say about the game beyond that. It was a defensive game for three quarters and then the Eagles decided that they no longer wanted to be there. Perhaps they were sleepy, because the Super Bowl takes a one-hour game and stretches it over four hours.

    The director of Fox's coverage was a total failure. He/she consistently failed to show replays of key plays, choosing instead to confuse viewers with unnecessary camera angles -- a trainer's ass; a center's knee. Beyond that, they kept forgetting to key in which down it was. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but in a game that's deliberately being dragged out, one actually lost track of where the game was. My friend, Bryce, said "What down is it?" almost as many times as I shouted "Go out wide" whilst watching Saturday's Wales-England match.

    The commercials, which are increasingly the only reasons that many people sit through the game, were substandard despite the strangely dark themes. Across the entire experience we saw: death, pedophilia, incest, bestiality, homoeroticism, and parental neglect.

    We counted four deaths, the first being the frozen corpse of a guy in the ad for the new Ford Mustang convertible. Nothing sells cars like a tragic and painful death. Admittedly, we may have been a little biased on that one, because the theme was very much a rip-off of the movie "Fargo," which many of us in the upper Midwest didn't quite find to be as hilarious as everyone else did. We had the capacity to recognize it as a well-made film, we just didn't really like it all that much because of its familiarity. Yes, the people in the film were caricatures, but it's still difficult to watch the brutal killing of someone who reminds you of your best friend's mom.

    Man, I hate that movie. I will never buy a Ford Mustang.

    Two people died in a Bud Light commercial: the pilot who jumps out of a plane without a parachute while in pursuit of a six pack of beer, and, presumably, the first-time jumper who couldn't convince himself to jump. At the end of the commercial he stands nervously and alone in a pilotless plane. The logical assumption is that he goes down with the plane and dies a horrific and fiery death. And never mind the fact that it was utterly predictable, how it got picked as one of the best commercials, I do not know.

    The fourth death may have been only local -- as part of an anti-smoking campaign. A grandfather fades into nothingness as his grandchild walks toward him.

    The pedophilia showed up in an ad featuring a talking baby hanging out pool-side with a beautiful woman. I think it was a Quiznos ad.

    The incest came in a deodorant ad for "men who take risks." I can't remember the name of the deodorant. It features an action figure doll called Mama's Boy and, at one point, the full-grown mama's boy is pushed in a shopping cart by his mother who is very clearly repeatedly touching his genitals. OK, so it's doll incest.

    The bestiality came from another Bud Light commercial, in which cockatoo with a Columbian drug lord accent chases away a woman's potential suitors.

    Subway had the homoeroticism, featuring two men eating sandwiches in a car with steamy windows.

    And the parental neglect appeared in a Cadillac ad that featured a father who was perfectly OK with his teenage daughter running away and marrying her boyfriend, as long as they didn't take his car. A previous Cadillac ad, in comparing the car to a bullet, seemed to encourage reckless use of firearms.

    Then there was the all-around failure that was the ad from
    "Is there really such a demand to register domain names that it's worth it to do a Super Bowl ad?" asked Bryce. "Quick. Let's check to see if anyone's taken That would be cool."

    Fortunately, Paul McCartney upheld the standard of decency. Sure, he sung a song about a drug user and a transvestite, but in the song he encouraged them to "get back." Telling them that they need to return to family values and repress their sinful urges. Did you like the fact that everyone in the "crowd" around the stage was wearing a 50s-style sweater and collared shirt? It's as if this year's half-time show was put together by Mormons.

    "I'm offended that I'm not offended," said Bryce's wife.

    By default, of course, my favorite ad was the one that featured Gladys Knight playing rugby for England. I also liked the Fed-Ex ad featuring Burt Reynolds receiving a groin kick from a grizzly bear, because, as my co-worker pointed out, "a groin kick is always funny."

  • I had a dream last night that Fox was introducing a reality show that involved Sting dressing up as an old man and picking fights with people on the street.

  • I knew heads would roll over the miserable state of the pitch in Saturday's rugby match. It was tearing up worse than the totally untended pitches we play on in the United States.

  • Terror reigns in Colorado as cookie-wielding little girls are being allowed to roam free. And the Department of Homeland Security does nothing.

  • I think from now on, I should write everything in old-style Metallica font.

  • Birmingham, Ala., Billings, Mont., Bogalusa, La., Minot, N.D., and Miami, Fla., all claim to be "The Magic City." Surely there can be only one. Perhaps there is only one, but it appears to be in so many places at once because it's, you know, magic.

    noisy ghost said...

    Wow. This was a mad long post, yo.

    I too hated Fargo and I'm not from that area. I just don't think crazy accents are funny enough for all the attention that movie got.

    Second, you're not really serious about the TV ads are you? I can't believe anyone got that much out of those commercials.

    Third. Dibs on

    noisy ghost said...

    Dernit! I just checked and it's already taken.

    Chris Cope said...

    It is a mad long post, yo. It's well over 1,000 words. When I posted it, I thought: "Hell, I wouldn't read this."

    And not so much serious about the commercials, except that they sucked and I will not be buying a Ford Mustang.

    Geraint Criddle said...

    I liked Fargo. In fact, I bought the DVD for my cousin for Christmas. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing. No hang on, I also really like ... "Sausage rolls and Welsh cakes will be served in the conservatory"... Damn, I've gone on a rambling monologue again... Carry on!

    Geraint Criddle said...

    Just remembered that it was the gazebo, not the conservatory.