Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I love you, so I didn't buy you anything

  • Of course I am a Top Husband©, so for Valentine's Day I gave my wife a gratuitously large and expensive box of chocolate-type things. But if I hadn't, I would have a good excuse.
    My editor, Adam (who is a huge UT fan, by the way), sent me a story today about a divorce kit for men that encourages would-be divorcees to throw their wives off the trail by being incredibly nice to them.
    "The only way to get out this is if I make her believe that I love her," says a man on the five-CD divorce package.
    Evil? You bet. But the upside is that I no longer need to buy gifts for my wife. If she complains that I don't ever bring her flowers, I can simply point out that it means I'm not planning a divorce.

  • The American Consumer Satisfaction Index for Q4 2004 was released today. It's a measure of how Americans feel about the quality of the corporate machine we are giving our souls to. Overall, it appears our satisfaction has dropped, which means that we can expect loads of commercials cheekily identifying exactly what is wrong with the consumer experience. The spin here in the Global Media Conspiracy is that it could be an indicator of a weakening economy. As we all know, Bill Clinton is to blame for that -- he's to blame for everything. It was a given that he'd get the job as U.N. point man for tsunami relief; he caused the damn thing in the first place through his infidelity and socialist leanings. God hates that man and the rest of us have to suffer The Lord Our God's wrath as a bi-product.
    Anyway, here's a look how specific services performed.

  • North Dakota has the highest binge drinking rate in the country. Having lived there, this makes perfect sense to me.

  • Although, I'll bet Wisconsin comes in pretty high on that binge drinking list (and check out the talent at the upper right of the page -- it looks like the cast of a porn film).

  • Good name for a band: sex potato.

  • This post from Crystal made me laugh until I had to pee.
  • 7 comments:

    noisy ghost said...

    You've been complaining about Corporate America, Inc. for a few days, I thought I would point out a few things. My father ground rubber off of truck tires for a retread factory and came home black from head to foot every night. He had to hose off in the backyard, before my mom would even let him in the house. My Grandfather trained to fly a wooden glider full of troops onto the beaches of Normandy because the military didn't have enough real planes (look it up, if you don't believe me). My Great Grandfather sold (very few) bottles of cooking extracts door to door during the Depression. He barely fed his family. Do you think you're being a little hard on your cozy desk job?

    kari said...

    as a former north dakota binge drinker, i believe that statistic.
    and what is your cozy desk job?

    Chris Cope said...

    And both my grandfathers picked cotton in the West Texas sun until their hands bled. My uncle died of a "hereditary" liver disease that only he and another uncle have -- both conveniently working at a chemical plant. Another uncle, working in the same chemical plant, spent months in rehab with countless broken bones after an industrial accident. My cousin is a shrimper. My brother is an auto body tech. I used to work in a warehouse and while I was easily the most cautious, I still wear scars on my hands and arms from box cutters. I dealt with old cigarettes -- the particles in the air made me cough up blood. I then moved to a different warehouse and worked in minus 15 degree temperatures until I fell 10 feet and landed flat on my back on a concrete floor.
    But do I think I'm being hard on modern journalism or the corporate mindset? No.

    I'm afraid I must go back to biting my tongue now.

    noisy ghost said...

    Your point is valid. Work, by definition, sucks. But what does Corporate America (if there is such a thing) have to do with it? If you work for Wal Mart and you can't get a promotion because you're a woman, is that Corporate America's fault, or Wal Mart's. When GM closes a plant in Michigan and moves to Mexico, America's fault? When they move enough plants, and piss enough people off, nobody will buy their stuff anymore, so it's their loss. Companies, for the most part, go to extraordinary lengths to make their employees happy because they don't want the hassle of training new ones. If your job is so awful, with a little patience, you can find another. Look at it this way: you could be living in formerly socialist country Poland (18.1% unemployment) or half-socialist Spain (11.3%) or lovely France (9.1%). Companies in those countries have much less incentive to treat the workers well.

    You don't have to bite your tongue, it's your blog.

    Chris Cope said...

    Noisy, I sincerely hope that you and I both become famous authors. Then we can have a proper running feud like Hemingway and Fitzgerald. I'll be Fitzgerald, since I already live in St. Paul.

    noisy ghost said...

    Very well, I will be Hemingway. If I become a successful writer, I certainly intend to spend a good many years in the Caribbean, like he did.

    I don’t mean to be argumentative with you on your blog. I like to read it because of your writing, regardless of politics. But, since I'm a guest: America stinks. We stink. Down with the man. Go Nader.

    See, I’m friendly. I can go along and get along. Now, tell us more about snow. I don't get to see enough blog entries about snow.

    Chris Cope said...

    Nader's a goof. You know who I like? (If anybody) Kinky Friedman.

    And we hardly have any snow up here -- it's been an unusually warm winter. Bill Clinton is, no doubt, to blame.