Tuesday, February 22, 2005

A rude, foul-mouthed peanut

  • Here's another reason why I am destined to spend any professional career hanging about on the lower tier: Today my fellow peons and I were discussing those couples who are condescending toward you because you're not doing what they're doing -- and obviously what they are doing is Right and Good.
    If you are single, they will say, "Oh, don't worry, you'll find that special someone some day."
    Because, you know, if you're not married you are a freak. Your life is an empty train that has derailed in the desert. You are alone, alone, alone.
    And if you are married, they'll ask when you plan to have kids.
    "They're such a joy," the proud parents will say.
    "Yeah. They sound like a real fucking joy -- a pissing shitting useless thing that I have to pay attention to all the time and spend all my money on," I was ranting. "You know what's really a joy? Having sex with my wife in the kitchen. I can have sex with my wife in the living room, I can have sex with my on the couch, I can have sex with my wife on the floor; you can't do that with kids around."
    As I'm saying this, all ranty style so that I can feel my face reddening and I'm sort of fading from actually speaking to anyone to a state in which I just speak in tongues fuelled by the laughter of others, I see one of my co-workers making a slashing motion across his throat and pointing beyond our little cubicle fortress. Not processing quickly enough what he was doing, I completed my thought before going silent.
    He stared at me and watched something beyond my vision pass by. Then he whispered to me that the owner of the company had been standing rather close -- giving a tour to a group of important-looking types.

  • Perhaps I need to become famous. Oh, man, if you don't already think Sean Connery rocks you will now!
    Connery is accused of "cursing and otherwise using indecent language" when a neighbor asked him to turn his music down. That is fantastic!
    Who is your mother, Alex?!*

  • Sentence that should probably not be in news copy: "Then a Fudge Maker works his magic by creaming the fudge."

  • Golly, I can't get enough of "Law & Order."

    *I'm pretty sure everyone will get that reference.

    Greg said...

    The day is mine Trebeck

    Crystal said...

    I'm only borrowing your Hum-V

    Crystal said...

    They actually said he was fat in the court papers??? That is not an offense - being fat, unless you purposely sit on someone to intentionally block the air from entering their windpipe. Perhaps he should lose a few pounds and get the whole thing thrown out of court.

    noisy ghost said...

    Burt Reynolds, that 3rd rock from the sun guy, and Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeopardy. I had to think about it.

    Chris Cope said...

    Yup. I wish I could find a clip of Celebrity Jeopardy.

    noisy ghost said...

    If you're talking about the Saturday Night Live bit, it's on one of the best ofs. I think I have it. Ooop, I found it. Will Ferrell plays Trebeck. It's on his best of SNL. $14 at Walmart.