Monday, February 14, 2005

Thank you, Corporate America, for preserving the integrity of this great nation

  • How great is it to be Kanye West? He performs a song at the Grammys that has massive popular appeal and still gets to wear the "controversial" label. Brilliant.
    It reminds me of the theory I developed years ago when Coca-Cola introduced OK Soda: America will never again face the threat of revolution because corporate America is too quick to absorb anomaly. Every difference of opinion is absorbed into the status quo, its blow softened by the aims of capitalism. Current white-collar working conditions take away every bit of a man's life in soul-wrenching fashion. But instead of legislation or unions we get cheeky Burger King ads pointing out how much it all sucks and somehow the argument to be treated properly is lost. A rabble-rouser can't stand on a podium and demand that his group's voice be heard. Those voices are being heard -- and ignored. One imagines the masses gathered outside the gates of Cuyahoga Bridge and Iron Co., staunchly issuing their complaints and then the voice of Daniel McCone echoing down from the bell tower: "Yes, those are all really valid points. All of you are exactly right. This is indeed an awful system. Anyway, we've got cake inside if anyone wants some -- it's Alexander's birthday. You will need to eat at your work stations, though. Good work everybody."
    The other day, I heard the hosts of my dad's favorite morning radio program bigging up (big upping? Up bigging?) Bright Eyes. This morning, I saw an ad for Green Day's album -- sandwiched between ads for prescription drugs -- during ABC's "Good Morning America."
    Obviously I'm being paranoid. I'd probably feel better if I had a burrito from Chipotle. Delicious, delicious Chipotle. Everything is better with Chipotle.

  • A coworker of mine was feeling ill today, so I found this list of synonyms for vomiting just for her. I like "to do supermodel push-ups."
    My coworker went home about 30 minutes later.

  • If the only thing I knew about my life is that at one point it had involved being tossed from a moving car, perhaps I would be thankful for the amnesia. You know, just cut your losses and move on.

  • Man, nothing spoils one's Valentine's Day mood more than getting shot during the act of love-making.

  • Man, the dogs pictured in this story are never going to catch a hare that way.

  • Wow, how tasteful: "When you first step inside, you receive a replica of the Titanic's boarding pass that bears the name of an actual passenger. At the end your tour of the exhibit, you find out whether the passenger survived."

    Cheekysquirrel said...

    "Titanic Artifacts Exhibit Sinks Into Baltimore"

    The headline isn't exactly tastful either. What was the author thinking? Were they rolling around the flooring lauging at their Titanic gag? Heh heh heh, I'm so funny... right now after that joke lets write touchingly about children dying.

    Crystal said...

    What a lovely idea! Perhaps they will also extract nearly all oxygen from the exhibit until people start flailing about, turning blue, and gasping for air, and kicking each other in the face while trying to escape through the realistic third-class cabin door! Oh goody, I cannot wait!