There are a number of mysteries to life. For example, if macaroni and cheese and eggnog are both so good, why is it so awful when you mix them together?
Similarly, I can inform you from personal experience that a Mountain Dew-flavored milkshake is an all-around bad idea, despite the fact that it sounds like such a good idea. I mean you've got Mountain Dew, you've got a milkshake -- how could you possibly go wrong? It's a mystery.
In theory, at least, some of the mysteries of life can be unraveled. My parents live in a Minneapolis-St. Paul suburb, through which runs a 7-mile stretch of road that has been under construction nonstop since my family moved to the area almost 20 years ago (meanwhile, in St. Paul, where I live, we have potholes so deep that mammoth bones have been found at the bottom). How could they spend that much time working on a road? Especially when it looks the same now as when my family first arrived.
I'm sure that right now you are thinking of a similar or worse situation on the roads in your own municipality. And, as I say, in theory we should be able to do something about it. We should be able to determine what the heck is going on.
Of course, you and I know that it's a mystery that will remain unsolved. If road crews can spend two decades blocking traffic and "working" on a road that never seems to change in appearance, they can easily stall your queries on the matter until well after both you and your children and their children have shuffled free of this mortal coil.
But there are some mysteries that we cannot ignore. There are some issues that we simply must confront. There are some questions that, no matter how difficult, now matter how awful the truth may be, we must answer.
The question that I have is this: At what point did it become OK again for teenagers to wear their hats sideways? What malevolent fashion consultant of Satan approved this look?
When I was in high school -- 11 years ago -- the sideways baseball cap was popular for about a week. The boys of my suburban school desperately tried to strut their stuff whilst sporting a sideways baseball cap and they were laughed off campus by even the blind students.
I assumed that, like the practice of bloodletting, this fashion statement had since died away and would never return -- its resurgence prohibited by its sheer stupidity.
Sadly, shockingly, I was wrong. Just this past weekend, as I traveled along a certain perpetually under-construction stretch of road, I looked over and saw a teenage boy with his hat cocked sideways. No one was in the car with him, so he couldn't claim to have been hit in the head -- he had chosen to wear his hat that way.
Later that day, at a mall, I saw another boy with a sideways hat. And another. And another. And then, like Robert Redford in the totally forgettable film "Havana," I threw my arms to the sky and screamed: "What has happened here?"
I'm not trying to be a prude. I can suffer some regressive trends. If the president wants to cut Social Security to levels from a time before roadwork started on Interstate 494, that's fine. If Hollywood wants to make a "Bewitched" remake, I'm not going to complain. Heck, if people want to bring back bloodletting, I'll keep my mouth shut. But this?! This sideways hat thing is just wrong!
Hat forward = OK
Hat backward = OK
Hat sideways = TOTAL GOOBER
Sometimes society must take a long, hard look at itself in the mirror and say: "I look like a fool."
Now is that time, America. We must take a stand against sideways baseball caps. We must uncover the mystery of what menacing force brought this trend back to the world of high school fashion (my guess? the liberal media) and we must put a stop to it before it's too late.
Then we can move onto greater mysteries, like Celine Dion's show in Las Vegas -- who would pay hard-earned money to see that?