Some random event got me thinking today about my glory days working as a jack of all trades at a TV station in Reno. I was eventually fired from that station. What I find odd -- now, so many years later -- is that I was able to stay on as long as I did. I worked there for a year and a half and in that time, I was guilty of (among other things) the following:
-- Referred to the sales staff as "weasels."
-- Called all reporters "monkey."
-- Crashed a news jeep.
-- Kicked a hole in the wall.
-- Told an assignment editor that I could do a better job while drunk and masturbating.
-- Threatened to beat up the general manager.
I was fired after said general manager claimed I had threatened to kill the entire sales staff. He based this on an e-mail I sent to a friend, with the subject: "SALES MUST DIE" (yes, I made the classic mistake of using work e-mail for personal use and my employer was reading my e-mail -- I'm a dope). It didn't actually say anything about anybody dying in the content of the e-mail, but did manage to use variations of the word "fuck" 27 times. When I was rejected for unemployment (because I was fired) I made the lady who was rejecting me read that e-mail out to me, just because I knew she was in an office and it made her uncomfortable.
"(A) key member of al-Qaida in Iraq... was charging just $17 per bomb." -- Wow. At prices that low, I can't afford not to become an insurgent!
Take note, fellas: younger women are nothing trouble.
You win this round Germany. But don't let it go to your head. We were clearly outmanned in this fight.
(Am I being too obscure here?)
Real life becomes a cartoon: "Equusearch has also asked about a dozen professional athletes to join in the search."
The hell? Professional athletes?
"Have you found anything, Randy Moss?"
"No, man. How about you, Derek Jeter?"
"No. I feel really bad about that. How'd your search of the island's brothels go, Allen Iverson?"
"Well, I found somethin'. But it sure wasn't an 18-year-old girl from Alabama. I may go back there to check again, though."