Wednesday, June 15, 2005

OK. That needs to stop

  • Every time an ad for Batman Begins comes on television my wife makes sex-tiger growling noises when she sees Christian Bale.
    Dude. I'm sitting right there!
    The fact that Bale is Welsh does not make it OK. That needs to stop. I don't do that sort of thing.
    Yes, I do want to do naughty, naughty things with Amy Hockert. Yes, I do want to spank Jessica Simpson for being so untalented. Yes, I do want to lie on a bed consisting of Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Winslet, Tonantzin Carmelo, Rachel Ray, and that girl who works at the Starbucks on Cleveland and Ford. But do I vocalize these things when my wife is sitting right there? No. No, I do not. And woe to me if I did.

  • "You cannot have such fun with Luxembourg."

  • This story makes me proud to live in the Twin Cities.

  • Hey, Denis Oswald. Kiss my ass.

  • This link is a bit out of date, but it's the first time I had actually found the thing online. It's that video of troops in the Royal Dragoon Guards singing: "Is This The Way To Amarillo."
    The thing that really struck me about the video is that it's such innocent good fun. That sort of thing would probably get everyone disciplined if it were U.S. troops.
    (Link found via Laura)

  • I have decided that there should be some sort of touring show for crazy media-circus parents. There would be Ron Goldman, Terri Schiavo's mom, the mother of that girl lost in Aruba, Laci Peterson's mom, JonBenet Ramsey's parents -- a host of people who have suffered tragic-comic public breakdowns. People for whom we have lost all sympathy or respect as a result of their behavior before the glaring light of media frenzy.
    In the show, they would each stand up and attempt to wow us with bitter-crazy pathos. And we would throw things at them. It would be the cruelest thing in the world, their reliving sanity-breaking trauma amidst our jeers, and every show would be a sell-out. The tour would be organized by Joe Jackson.

  • One of the many silly things I do while reading news stories is keep track of high BAC levels in stories about drunken drivers. This guy has reached an all-time high of 0.43. Way to go!

  • Woo, I'm glad we got this sorted out. It is indeed legal to offer free cheese in the state of Pennsylvania.

  • Meanwhile, offers of chicken for sex will most likely be rejected in the state of New Hampshire.

    TotallyHappened said...

    The state of Philadelphia, eh?


    Chris Cope said...

    Man. I have myy head up my ass. Error fixed.

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    Oswald, and the understatement of the year: "...had not made the ideal choice of words."

    So, you're proud of Minnesota because of this? TV watching is "the No. 1 leisure activity in general."

    Damn: I thought it was the Chris Cope bike squad.

    Chris Cope said...

    My head. Not "myy" head. Cripes.

    Dave Morris said...

    I got a GREAT laugh out of your story about who you wanted to bed down. I could only find one picture of an Amy Hockert on google images, but if that's her, I can see your point. I found no pics of the girl at Starbucks but I have a vivid imagination. I could add a few to that list, but won't.

    So chickens-for-sex is never a good thing? How about sex-with-chickens? Not good either, I'm guessing. Just guessing - I would have no way of knowing.

    Anonymous said...

    I have some great ideas :) Nevermind. Next time.