Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The benevolent employer cute girl explosion

  • Every day at the headquarters of my benevolent employer I spot some new cute girl milling through our hallowed halls. I have worked in the building for two years and all these women are completely new to me. Most of the women I never see again. I have therefore decided that we must be making a side profit manufacturing these women. We have some sort of cute-girl cloning operation under way downstairs.
    We probably ship them off to college campuses to walk around during the first and last few weeks of the year.
    Where the hot girls came from and where they went was one of the persistent mysteries of college life for me. In the first weeks of the fall semester, campus would be swimming in heavenly perfectly curved girl flesh and perfume and gaits that could drive a man to madness. But then, once the leaves changed, it was almost all gone. There were just the two or three cute ones with whom you had no chance to stare at through the winter. God only knows where all the other ones went.
    Then, mysteriously, they would return in the final weeks of the spring semester. It's as if they were on some kind of migration pattern. I was never sure if the ones seen in the fall were the same as the ones seen in the spring. I picture these girls being placed on massive cargo ships and transported to the Southern Hemisphere during the colder months -- just thousands of them out there floating in the sea.
    Oh, to be captain of that ship.

  • Ever have one of those days when you really, really want to see an over-the-top production of "HMS Pinafore?" That's the sort of day I'm having. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I got a fever, and the only prescription is more Josephine.

  • Semi-related to that, there is such a thing as the International Shanty and Seasong Association.

  • Oh, hooray. That's comforting.

  • Why is the media so obsessed with panda sex?

  • Thomas has come up with the idea of turning his blog into a movie and has decided to cast Will Farrell as me. I heartily approve of this casting and I am already writing all his scenes in my head. At some point I want me to jump into a car and scream at the driver: "Drive, man! But safely. And in accordance to all the motor vehicle laws of this particular municipality."

  • Curly has posed a very good question on his blog: "How many 5-year-olds do you think it would take to 'take you out' in a fight?"

  • Behold: AIMFight. I pit myself against Meaghan today (because hers is the only screen name I know*) and smoked her.
    My score: 137,501
    Meaghan's score: 12,330
    In your face, Baron!

  • Good name for a band: The Italian Suppositories

  • Currently my favorite rap lyric: "Shoulda left it/ Feelin' sharp pains in my left tit."

    *Of those people whose blogs are listed to the right.

    TotallyHappened said...

    A couple years ago I was taking good ol' Intro to Education and the professor shared this story with us: One of his former students had called him during her first year teaching, somewhat worried that she was going to lose her job. There was supposed to be an assembly that day but it was cancelled and she didn't have anything planned for her 3rd grade class during their Science lesson. Another teacher, trying to help, told her that she had just gotten some books in (but hadn't looked them over yet) and one was on Pandas. Thinking that Pandas could be stretched to fit a Science lesson, the new teacher grabbed it, having no time to read it first. It was late in the day and she wasn't really paying much attention as she read when all of a sudden one of the students shrieks, "WHAT ARE THOSE PANDAS DOING?" At that moment she realized she had just read about Panda sex to a bunch of 3rd graders and, to make matters worse, was holding up a centerfold of two Pandas sharing an intimate moment.

    Curly said...

    I've tried time and time again to get the government to fund a project on solving the cute girl migration problem but to no avail. I've even asked some of these cute girls "Where do you go when it's not sunny?"

    They laugh it off, "Oh Chris! You're SO funny!" then they mutter something to their friend along the lines of "Shit, he's onto us"

    Also, I the the Sea Shanty association paid a visit to a Swansea pub the other week. A coach load of Americans descended on the pub, armed with big grins and instruments, set themselves up in the corner, ordered lots of beer and started singing sea shanties! They carried on for about 2 hours and then just got up and left - all very odd but very entertaining!

    Chris Cope said...

    I want to believe that there is a pack of grinning Americans that roams everywhere, showing up unannounced to sing sea shanties. They could be a bit of a cross between Navy SEALs and the Peace Corps -- storming pubs to bring good cheer.

    Curly said...

    I'm sure they operate under a strict code of secrecy too, no-one knows where they'll turn up next!

    I saw them again in their black coach the next day, off to cheer up some other folk in another land I guess.

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    All those chemicals in the babies? Do 50 percent of them come from the guy (Teflon sperm)?

    Dave Morris said...

    It's odd that there are no ugly young women these days. When I was in school, a good 60 percent of them were considered toxic. Now you seldom see them.

    Or is it just perspective? Hmmm.

    Odd you are being played by Will Farrell, I just mentioned him in my blog this morning. You gotta read it to see why I am laughing right now.

    Christopher Phin said...

    My own benevolent employer publishes Maxim, and I do wander, dazed, through our reception which is filled occasionally with scantily-clad lovelies lounging over the furniture for some photoshoot or other. They did a beach-themed one recently and they were all in bikinis. Very distracting.

    Chris Cope said...

    Ow. The jealousy that consumed me after reading about that experience has caused some sort of brain hemorrhage.

    Thomas said...

    One of my uncles had a daughter from a previous marriage. We met here when she was around 5. She used to be push kids around who were about 5 years older than here. I told her that that was not appropriate behavior from a "young lady." I was about 20 at the time and this was how I thought you should talk to 5-year-olds. She pushed me into the wall. Kind of made my shoulder hurt.

    Greg said...



    Chris Cope said...

    Oooh, feel the hurt, Greg:
    You: 41,804
    Me: 102,611

    I win again. Of course, it probably isn't fair that upward of 200 people are required to have me on their buddy lists as a part of their job.

    Thomas said...

    Chris, if there are too many cute girls at your work you can always send them down to Houston on a special assignment to assist me with my blog. Posting 1-2 posts a day can be tiring.

    Anonymous said...

    i completely missed this post of yours, chris. what is wrong with me. anyway, i'll get you next time gadget. next time. (...off to make more friends for my buddy list)

    Chris Cope said...

    Stalking is a one-way street, I suppose. Sigh...