Thursday, August 11, 2005

Allah will punish him

I am hereby issuing a fatwa against the asswipe (pronounced: "ass-wee-pay") who designed the 1983 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale Brougham.

Specifically, I want the head of the person who designed the doors to be brought to me on a pike. The city of Detroit will bathe in the blood of GM engineers!*

As I mentioned Wednesday, the right rear window got stuck open. My 22-year-old power window refused to do anything when I pressed the switch. Keep in mind that when I bought the car a week ago I was already aware that the driver's side window did not roll down, so I was not happy to be reduced to just two windows in a car that is sans air conditioning.

I called my brother, Jon, (pbuh**) and went over to his shop after work, where we removed the door panel and discovered that the power window was designed to never, ever, ever, ever be fixed. The window motor (known as the regulator, apparently) was safely hidden behind a piece of jagged sheet metal that had been welded to the door.

"I hope you understand this," my brother said, "but I am not taking this section off and then spot welding it back on. That's too much work for a $250 car."

I understood perfectly, so we reached through the various holes in the sheet metal and freed the window from the yellowed piece of plastic that until Wednesday morning had been moving the window up and down. As I say, the sheet metal was jagged, so I cut my knuckles up right good in the process.

"When was the last time you had a tetanus shot?" Jon asked.***

Normally what you would do in this situation, my brother informed me, is take a piece of wood, jam it inside the door, and use it to prop the window shut. This is what's known in the auto body profession as a "ghetto fix." But we couldn't find a piece of wood just in his shop that was small enough to fit into the door, so I came up with the idea of running wire through the bolt eyelets at the bottom of the window (where it had been bolted to the regulator) and then lashing it to the top of the door.

In short, my right rear window is now wired shut. That left me with two operating windows. But wait...

When we were finishing up, we happened to be fussing with the left rear window, and right then and there, the regulator died on that one, too. This means that I have one operating window -- the passenger side. Needless to say, I'm not inclined to mess with it.

On my way home from the shop, I started thinking about how much I hate whoever designed this car, and the mentality that allowed them to do it. How in the hell can it be morally tolerable to build a mechanical thing that cannot be fixed? Yet there it was, this goddamned unfixable door. It's a mentality that extends to the dashboard -- there is no temperature gauge for this car. No other gauges save the fuel gauge and the speedometer. If the radiator overheats, I won't know until it explodes.

You suck, General Motors. A pox upon you!

*I'm kidding. Please don't have me arrested and sent to Guantanamo.

**Who can guess what I'm doing here?

*** Dr. Handy, your opinion? Need I bother?


Thomas said...

Do you think Allah can punish that professor who gave me a D+ last semester, Chris?

Chris Cope said...

Thomas, that man is an infidel! I pray that Allah feeds his entrails to wild jackals.

Curly said...

How about you direct Allah towards Spam-senders too?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Tell me: What possessed you to buy this bucket of bolts? Is money not sacred to you?

Dave Morris said...

The only answer is, spend the money to get the AC fixed. Otherwise, find a good basting sauce that sufficiently embellishes the flavor of a good piece of Chris.

Anonymous said...

Tetanus Shots
(only because you asked)

People, whether they cut themselves on old jagged metal or not, should get a tetanus shot every 10 years. The bacteria (Clostridium tetani) that can get into your body and produce tetanus toxin, a chemical that causes progressive paralysis of muscles, exists in disinfectant-resistant spores that can be hanging out around us. Some of the rare people who wind up with lockjaw didn't even have an identifiable wound. That said, getting a nasty cut or puncture should prompt one to get a tetanus shot if it's been less than 8 or 9 years since their last one. Such patients, and those who "don't know" about their shot status, are given tetanus boosters at the same time as their stitches in the ER, even if they've waited 2 days before deciding to show up.

And dear Allah, tales of this chick magnet winter car Olds are quite amusing from afar. But imbue a sense of relief that I'm not dealing with it. That rusting red truck you had in high school was enough for a lifetime. And you had the nerve to mock my little '87 CassieNova. I miss driving, but it's cheaper (especially with insurance rates in nyc, eek) and it's easier to take my chances on the subway. Yay for public transporation.

Chris Cope said...

You loved that truck. Don't lie. ;)