I am hereby issuing a fatwa against the asswipe (pronounced: "ass-wee-pay") who designed the 1983 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale Brougham.
Specifically, I want the head of the person who designed the doors to be brought to me on a pike. The city of Detroit will bathe in the blood of GM engineers!*
As I mentioned Wednesday, the right rear window got stuck open. My 22-year-old power window refused to do anything when I pressed the switch. Keep in mind that when I bought the car a week ago I was already aware that the driver's side window did not roll down, so I was not happy to be reduced to just two windows in a car that is sans air conditioning.
I called my brother, Jon, (pbuh**) and went over to his shop after work, where we removed the door panel and discovered that the power window was designed to never, ever, ever, ever be fixed. The window motor (known as the regulator, apparently) was safely hidden behind a piece of jagged sheet metal that had been welded to the door.
"I hope you understand this," my brother said, "but I am not taking this section off and then spot welding it back on. That's too much work for a $250 car."
I understood perfectly, so we reached through the various holes in the sheet metal and freed the window from the yellowed piece of plastic that until Wednesday morning had been moving the window up and down. As I say, the sheet metal was jagged, so I cut my knuckles up right good in the process.
"When was the last time you had a tetanus shot?" Jon asked.***
Normally what you would do in this situation, my brother informed me, is take a piece of wood, jam it inside the door, and use it to prop the window shut. This is what's known in the auto body profession as a "ghetto fix." But we couldn't find a piece of wood just in his shop that was small enough to fit into the door, so I came up with the idea of running wire through the bolt eyelets at the bottom of the window (where it had been bolted to the regulator) and then lashing it to the top of the door.
In short, my right rear window is now wired shut. That left me with two operating windows. But wait...
When we were finishing up, we happened to be fussing with the left rear window, and right then and there, the regulator died on that one, too. This means that I have one operating window -- the passenger side. Needless to say, I'm not inclined to mess with it.
On my way home from the shop, I started thinking about how much I hate whoever designed this car, and the mentality that allowed them to do it. How in the hell can it be morally tolerable to build a mechanical thing that cannot be fixed? Yet there it was, this goddamned unfixable door. It's a mentality that extends to the dashboard -- there is no temperature gauge for this car. No other gauges save the fuel gauge and the speedometer. If the radiator overheats, I won't know until it explodes.
You suck, General Motors. A pox upon you!
*I'm kidding. Please don't have me arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
**Who can guess what I'm doing here?
*** Dr. Handy, your opinion? Need I bother?