Friday, September 30, 2005

Only great minds

  • Some day, God will pay me back for past transgressions by giving me a son who thinks U2 are brilliant.
    "Sweet Jesus dancing the rumba, son, are you listening to the Zooropa album again?!"
    "Yeah, Dad. It's so great."
    "No. No, it is not. Not at all. You need to stop this."
    Actually, there are several things I wouldn't want my son to be. My wife -- who reads this blog but persistently refuses to comment -- says that if we ever have a son I will be unduly hard on him because I was a rather devious boy and because I have stupid set ideas of how a boy should be. This is true; I hate to admit it.
    A lot of parents to be will use that "as long as he or she is healthy I don't care what happens" line of thinking. Perhaps this mindset kicks in when parenthood is a reality, but right now I think that is rubbish. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do if I end up with a son who is heavily into role-playing games? What if he laughs like a dork? What if he doesn't like to swim*? When I think about all the possibilities, I can really see the appeal of shipping my son off to some Scottish boys' school: "Here, Scotland -- fix my boy."
    A little girl, on the other hand, would have me wrapped around her finger before she could even speak. I coo at every little girl I see, pointing them out to my wife: "Look at her, honey. She's so cute! Let's steal her and raise her as our own." If I had a little girl, she need only be gorgeous and brilliant (surely not too much to ask?), and I would give her everything I could and kill everyone who made her sad.
    Yeah. That's part of why we don't have kids yet -- Daddy's still a little crazy.

  • Good name for a band: Deadly Donut

  • 150 million people? Blimey.

  • Actual quote from porn spam e-mail I received at work today: "Recent ineptitude for only great minds." -- Huh?

  • I was looking at my stats Thursday and apparently 5 percent of the people who visit this blog are doing so from Canada. Really? I can't remember ever hearing from one. Speak up you clandestine Canadians.

  • Another reason to like October: it's national cider month in the UK.

  • This story amuses me, but I'm afraid my writer's talisman** is failing me when it comes to being able to say anything about it.

    *When I think of all the fun places I would want to take my kid, a good 80 percent of those places involve playing in water.

    **Rachel insisted that I purchase a talisman for poets last week at the Renaissance Festival. It is a chunk of pewter with some crazy scribbling on it that is supposed to make me a better writer. I doubt that it really does this. If I were in fifth grade, I would use it to try to hypnotize Erin Cooney and get her to kiss me on the bus.
  • 10 comments:

    Cheekysquirrel said...

    Er that 5% in Canada is probally me. I'm here on holidays remember?

    I've been using the guesthouse's wireless internet to browse my fav blogs via my PsP. Commenting via PsP is a no no. Doesn't work too well with blogger.

    Huw said...

    I hope the Child Bride can be goaded into commenting.

    Elsewhere, a friend of mine and his father share quite an understated relationship, but one day recently said friend's father turned to his son and said:

    "Son, I'm really glad you haven't turned out to be a prick who I couldn't get on with. That scenario had always worried me ever since your mother announced she was expecting."

    Said friend rates it as the most touching thing his father has ever said.

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    The upshot of the Miami story is that the deer was charged with failure to wear a seat belt.

    Talisman-wise, my tarot-reading crazy daughter brought me some shiny stones in a cachet sack to prevent my computer from crashing. Oddly, it works. I guess.

    I am not Canadian, so you don't need to read this comment.

    Astrid said...

    Yes, headlines like "Missing man found driving dead deer in ambulance" are weird too read!

    Other headlines I noticed on CNN.com today are:

    * Wild gorillas documented using tools
    * UFO landing strip gets mayor's support
    * Alaska zoo gets elephant treadmill
    * Astronaut has one-way ride to station

    And well, I think I found myself a new hobby! Isn't it fun to read only headlines?

    Dave Morris said...

    Is there a bird flu vaccine yet? If so, I'm getting it. I don't want to wake up tomorrow with the unexplanable urge to lay eggs and shit on my windshield.

    kari said...

    i am lucky enough to have a gorgeous and brilliant daughter. and yes, wrapped around her finger i am.

    Jenny said...

    YOU ARE COMING TO OUR HOUSE!

    WE JUST FINISHED MAKING UP THE SOFA BED!

    IT SMELLS SLIGHTLY OF SAWDUST!

    BUT I'M SURE THAT WILL BE GONE BY THE TIME YOU ARRIVE!

    Thomas said...

    Am I one of dos dem der great minds?

    Curly said...

    My landlords son is heavily into WWII tanks, the Liberal Democrats, Star Trek and infact any programme with a title related to 'stars'. I walked into the living room, where my landlord was seated, and he said

    "Ah, Chris - you're back. It's nice too see someone normal around here, not like my bloody nerd of a son"

    I laughed, hard. Because he wasn't joking!

    Geraint Criddle said...

    Bloody great headlines in the South Wales Echo. Buy it when you come over. Best recent headline: "Dad hid stolen meat in trousers".