Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I make $35M a year stealing pencils

  • According to my little stats thingy, someone at the headquarters of my benevolent employer is spending a ridiculous amount of time looking at my blog. I would like to believe that it is a managerial type*, meticulously searching my archives for a confession of stealing $75,000 in computer equipment, or urinating in the break room coffee. I almost hate to disappoint them, but those things won't be found here -- as they may have noticed, I don't possess that sort of initiative.
    What you will find are confessions of my being a crap employee. On Monday, my coworkers and I were talking about when I will officially announce my departure -- still eight months off.
    "I'll be sure to give them plenty of time," I said. "I realize it will take quite a bit of searching to find someone with as poor an attitude as mine."
    My coworkers laughed a little too hard at that comment.

  • Completing a project five years late and millions of pounds over budget only to have the damned thing break on its first day -- that is the Portsmouth I know and love.

  • This is kind of cool, a map that shows with which major city people identify themselves.
    (Found on Mnspeak)

  • I wish handkerchiefs would come back in vogue -- monogrammed handkerchiefs. I also wish modern clothing provided adequate pockets for pocket watches.

  • If you could have a relatively useless skill, what would it be? Knowing how to fish or play a musical instrument are useful skills -- I'm talking about those skills that are absolutely unnecessary, like being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue, or being able to bend your pinky back to your wrist. My skill would be moonwalking. I wish I could moonwalk with unprecedented finesse.

    *In truth, it's probably my dad -- he works in the same building. Hi dad!

    Anonymous said...

    OK, I'll say it first:

    The ability to tie a cherry stem with your tongue IS a useful life skill.

    Be here all week, folks.

    Shawn D. Mickschl said...

    I wish I could walk on my hands like those studs at college football games. I suppose this is because I have a broken bone in each of my feet right now. That would mean it is a useful skill.

    Hmm...then I would like to be able to juggle trout. Rainbow trout.


    Dave Morris said...

    I can copulate with bunnies. Is that a useless skill?

    But I canNOT wash booger-filled hankies in a washing machine.

    Curly said...

    My friends Dad used to boil his handkerchiefs in a special bowl. We called it his 'snot pot'.

    I'd like to be able to hypnotise chickens and/or throw a hat after walking into a room and making land on the hat stand in one try.

    Rhys Wynne said...

    The map thing is quite interesting,I like things like that. There's also one for which NFL team people associate themselves with:
    which was something we talked about in the Mochyn Du. One for the Uk would be interesting regarding which football (soccer to some) team people 'support'.

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    I can throw a chocolate-covered peanut way up in the air and catch it with my mouth. I used to do this as a warmup to the Beatles on the old Ed Sullivan show.

    Cheryl said...

    I wish I could do the splits, standing up.

    Love that Portsmouth link. Can't help thinking that one window cleaner's fortunes may just have taken an upturn.

    Huw said...

    I always wanted to be able to do that twirling a pen round on the base of your thumb trick. I suppose I could learn with practice, but I hate practice.

    I can make quite an impressive "blllwoooop!" noise byt flicking my cheek a la Rolf Harris/Cameron from Ferris Buller. That has so far proved highly useless.

    Gareth said...

    If you were to limit any confessions to stealing millions of pencils, to the Welsh language blog they would never know.