Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Road rage

It was raining last night while I drove home. When I parked my car, my windshield wipers -- as they are sometimes wont to do -- refused to shut off. Usually this problem corrects itself if I shut off the engine; when the ignition is turned back on, the wipers will move into the off position and stay that way. But after killing the engine two or three times without success, I decided that I couldn't be bothered and simply assumed that it would all sort itself out by the morning.

Overnight, the rain turned to snow.

When I got out to the car this morning, it was under about an inch or two of snow. I started the car, cranked up the defrost, and then walked down the street (Rachel and I live in the city, so we park our cars in the street) to the truck to finally retrieve the second snowbrush that has been sitting in the cab since our Ford Shitmobile died.

I wiped the snow off the rear window, the side windows and the windshield. Then, as I was scraping the ice off the windshield, the wipers suddenly came to life (the car had been on for about five minutes).

WUPBUPBUP

"Wow, that's annoying," I thought.

WUPBUPBUP

I reached in the car and clicked the wiper switch on and off, hoping that would somehow get the wipers to shut off.

WUPBUPBUP

I carried on scraping the ice off the windshield, dancing around the wipers, and telling myself calmly: "Do not rip the wipers out. That would be bad. I will need those again at some point."

WUPBUPBUP

According to my Pooh watch, I was already late, so, even though the windows were still all fogged up, I set out for work:

WUPBUPBUP

"There's got to be a way to shut off these damned wipers. I guess I could just pull the fuse, if I could..."

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"Fucking rear-wheel drive doesn't do shit on these icy intersections. The weather guys said it was going to be like this, but apparently no one who works for the city watches the news -- heaven forbid they should put sand and salt on the roads."

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"Where the hell is the fuse box in this fucking car? A smart man would put it right fucking here -- but I've already learned that this car was not designed by a smart man."

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"Dude in front of me, why are you going so slow? It's icy, yes, but you don't need to... Whoa. What the hell are you doing? The road is over here! Have you ever driven in America? Just because you can't see the lines doesn't mean there's no road. You're going to hit one of those Hasidic Jews that are always walking up and down this road. I'm pretty sure that killing a Jew is a straight-to-hell offense."

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"Motherfucker! It's like that Chinese water torture, these fucking wipers! I can't believe the fuse box isn't anywhere close. Those fucking GM cocksuckers probably put it under the hood."

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"What the fuck is the hold up here? Shit. There's probably a wreck on the freeway and things are backed up all the way into the neighborhood. I am going to be so late."

WUPBUPBUP

"Gah! Fuck you, General Motors! $250 was too much for this piece of shit. No wonder you're laying off 30,000 workers -- no one but a fucking retard would buy one of your fucking cars new."

WUPBUPBUP

"Shut up, you stupid fucking wipers! Just...

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"FUCK!"

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"I'm 20 minutes late. And the defrost barely works -- I can't see out my rear window. And the goddamned alternator is squealing. How did I end up like this? What did I do that I should end up..."

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"GRRRRRRRR FUCK!"

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"FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!"

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"FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL, GM! You cocksucking can't-build-a-car-for-shit bitches! I fucking hate you! Do you hear me, GM? Hate! Fucking hate! As soon I get out of this car..."

WUPBUPBUP

"Fuck you! As soon as I fucking get out of this fucking car, I am fucking going to fucking kick it as fucking hard as I can. I am fucking wearing fucking steel-fucking-toed fucking boots today, motherfucker. I will kick you, you fucking car! I am going to kick you!"

WUPBUPBUP

You have to admire that 1980s steel. They don't make cars like that, anymore, boy. My foot hurts.

7 comments:

jay are said...

I'm really sorry you have such a sucky car (we have a similar one, tho yours beats it hands down), so I'm sorry BUT. That was exactly the laugh I needed today. Thanks.

heatherfeather said...

i am sorry to hear about your car issues.

this would be much more believable if i weren't laughing at you right now, but luckily on the interweb you can't tell that i'm laughing at you.

winter driving SUCKS. rear wheel drive uphill on an icy road REALLY sucks. i'm not sure how i live in a perpetual valley, but i have to go uphill to either leave or get to my house. denver's a mystery, i tell ya.

you should get a 90 minute full body massage. i hear those are relaxing. i wouldn't know, though.

Afe said...

I think you just broke the record for saying fuck. I'm pretty sure that's a straight-to-hell offence.

Crystal said...

That would have made an excellent audio-post.

Curly said...

Your temper control is FAR greater than mine. Those wipers would have been snapped as soon as they did something they weren't supposed to.

I also agree with SLP

Sara said...

whassup with faulty wired cars and you?
this one time chris got real mad and punched the center of the steering wheel of his sonoma truck. this was a long time ago. it was in fargo-moorhead. we had been arguing about something. he punched it right where the horn is. the horn started blaring and did not stop. it was a constant grating honk blare. this noise caused chris to totally and completely lose his shit. it also caused other drivers to honk at us or shout or gesture as if we were somehow unaware of the piercing honk blare noise. this infuriated chris further. he was not at all pleased that i found the broken horn to be very funny and a kind of small scale divine retribution, like a higher power coming down on my side of the argument, whatever it was. clearly it was unfair of me to laugh uncontrollably but damn it was funny.
he drove around screaming at the horn and swearing. it seemed increasingly likely that we'd get into an accident because he was consumed by the honk blare and cursing at the top of his lungs and not paying attention to what other cars were doing. he pulled into a parking lot, opened the truck's hood and attempted various maneuvers to make it stop. at one point a wrench was employed to no effect and then hurled at the truck's windshield. this moment was a little scary cause i was still inside the cab. i honestly don't remember how he got the horn to finally stop. i think he disconnected some wires.

well. maybe he can laugh about it now. it's still funny to me.

Jege (Jen) said...

fargo-moorhead has that affect on people.....