Saturday, January 21, 2006

Bloomington Rock City

  • Those of you with keen observation skills may have noticed that the city in my profile has changed. As of Saturday, the child bride and I will no longer be of St. Paul -- we are moving to Bloomington, Minn., for the next several months in an effort to save money.
    Bloomington is a suburb of the Twin Cities, home to the Mall of America and Minnesota's only IKEA. It is where I went to high school (with Lindsay). We will be saving money there by moving into my parents' basement.
    That's right, I'm almost 30 years old and Rachel and I are moving in with my parents. My wife certainly pinned herself to a winner, huh?
    There is good reason for this. Our apartment management requires two months' notice, and with the child bride soon to be looking for work in Cardiff, we want to be able to go when she finds a job. Also, there's that whole thing of saving at least $1,000 (£565) a month by not paying rent, phone bills or power bills.
    But still. Living with my parents. That fact has punched a massive hole in my fragile, fragile ego. It is going to be a long few months.

  • On Friday, Crystal leveled the greatest insult one can use against a Texan -- challenging my Texanicity. She based this attack on my correct spelling of the word "y'all," claiming that the totally nonsensical "yall" is correct.
    Not wanting to insult her clear and woeful lack of education*, I explained it away by pointing out that I am more of a city-boy Texan -- I was raised mostly in Dallas and Houston. That cosmopolitan upbringing means I know how to speak English. Also, I went to Spring Branch schools, which are among the best in the country. While Crystal was still learning how to wipe her ass without getting her hands dirty, I was memorizing the capital cities of Africa.

  • I think Osama bin Laden should recommend more books to the American public: "Allah willing, you will read 'Love Smart' by Dr. Phil McGraw."

  • I checked today to see whether my Wikipedia entry was still there -- I won't bother linking to it because it's set to be deleted -- and it was. Someone had added this: "Chris has also been romantically linked with several British actresses including Keira Knightley and Lisa off of Hollyoaks." Brilliant.

  • OK, so Wikipedia won't allow me to create an entry on myself, but you can't be too upset at the Wikicollective, because it offers a list of pro wrestling holds.

  • My favorite phrase of the moment is "sex pest." I have been working into conversation all day.

  • It's that time of year again -- time for me to guess the people who will meet their end in 2006. Most of the people on my list are leftover from last year, though, so I likely won't be winning any fabulous cash and/or prizes this time around, either. Here's my list:
    Bin Laden, Osama
    Bolea, Terry (Hulk Hogan)
    Bush, George H. W.
    Calaway, Mark (Undertaker)
    Carter, Jimmy
    Castro, Fidel
    Coleman, Eldridge Wayne (Superstar Billy Graham)
    Douglas, Kirk
    Fliehr, Richard Morgan (Ric Flair)
    Ford, Gerald
    Graham, Billy
    Hart, Bret
    Heenan, Raymond Louis (Bobby "The Brain" Heenan)
    Hinkley, Gordon B.
    Pope Benedict XVI
    Queen Elizabeth II
    Sharon, Ariel
    Vonnegut, Kurt
    Wallace, Mike
    Yeltsin, Boris

    *If you're new to this blog, you might think I am being serious in insulting Crystal -- I'm not. Although, I should point out that I am not so cruel as to question how Texan she is.

    heatherfeather said...

    please work "sex pest" into a sentence.

    i'd give it a shot but you might punch me, what with you knowing where i live and all.

    Ryan said...

    Moving into your parent's basement sounds like the beginning of a wacky new sitcom.

    Osama Bin Laden should go on the Daily Show.

    mo** said...

    I know all about living witht he parents after you've been away for a long time..however sometimes you do what you gotta do. You think you'll be able to work sex pest into a sentance with your mom around?

    Crystal said...

    Good name for a band: Super Heavy Goat Ass

    It's actually a real band.

    Crystal said...

    Oh, c'mon. We've had toilet paper for three years now. I am a pro. However, I must say the leaves, although a little messy at times, did scratch the itches on my ass. Was nice. I miss leaves.

    Dave Morris said...

    There is no reason I would not move back in with parents today, I think it's an enviable position because you can feel like an irresponsible kid again. That would actually be pretty awesome.

    Except the curfew. And having to hear your parents have sex.

    Monica said...

    "Y'all" is clearly correct. I once got in a fight with a proper Southerner who thought it was ya'll. Four years in North Carolina taught me nothing if not that.

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    You knocking off two Billy Grahams in one year? I thought reincarnation was good for 20 years or so.

    Kindly delete Vonnegut so he doesn't get deleted this year.

    Astrid said...

    Will your mom now call into your office when you are sick?

    Anonymous said...

    You may find this link amusing...

    Jenny said...

    Dude, the Queen will not die this year - she's only, like, seventy-odd, and her mother lived to a hundred and one.

    A hundred and one!

    Lindsay Hansen said...

    Have fun in Bloomington!! I wish I could see you before you move to Wales, but I won't be home again until August...I guess I should start saving for a Cardiff plane ticket?
    Say hi to my parents if you see them!

    tuckmac said...

    Word of advice, from a 33 year old, back to living with parents and wife in Bloomington...

    After Cardiff, have a place other than your parents' to come back to.

    My wife and I are stuck here for at LEAST another six months. Love the parents, not so much the situation.

    Curly said...

    Cardiff will more than make up for the time spent living with the folks I'm sure.

    Your challenge now is to meet a sex pest, there are plenty of them around.