Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dick Button is an old queen in Eddie Bauer clothing

  • Women's figure skating gets under way tonight. One of the pieces of advice I always offer to newly married men is that they develop at least a tolerance of figure skating.
    It can be a trick to do that, admittedly. Obviously one can amuse themselves with rude thoughts of Sasha Cohen, but you want to be careful about doing this across the board; you may need to do a good bit of research. You don't want to sit there thinking rude thoughts about some 16-year-old girl -- God will strike you down:
    "Hey, I can think of a way to put that flexibility to good use. Gah! Suddenly I have a sharp pain in my left arm... can't breathe..."
    You're better off just watching for the same reason anyone watches NASCAR -- the crashes. There is something maliciously satisfying about the sight of a mentally unstable anorexic smacking against the ice.
    Every time I watch figure skating, I promise myself that I will come up with a good drinking game for watching figure skating, but then I don't. So far all I have is this:
    - Drink when someone falls.
    - Drink for every missed revolution on a jump. For example: if someone turns a triple into a double, take one drink; if someone singles a triple, take two drinks.
    - Drink every time someone claims the new judging system is confusing.
    - Drink every time a commentator evokes the name of some obscure former skater.
    Obviously, just with these four, you do not want to be drinking hard alcohol.

  • If I were Conan O'Brien, I would have Sasha on my show and spend the whole interview eating Little Debbie snack cakes.

  • According to Astrid, The Netherlands really is crazy about speedskating. Wow. The things you learn thanks to blogging.

  • Best punk music lyric I've heard today: "When in Minnesota... you got a drinking quota."

  • When Franklin Crow comes to visit, you had better have enough toilet paper, bitch. Otherwise you're going to get kicked in the fuck.

  • Most amusing mugshot I've seen this week. He looks like an 18th century rogue who's been pushed off a cliff.

    Afe said...

    So... maybe it's just me, but I think you might be completely obsessed with the Olympics. You need a good kick in the fuck.

    Goo said...

    i wonder what that dead guy used to wipe his butt when there wasn't any toilet paper? i can't help but keep thinking about the skidmarks the coroner will find in tat guy's underwear.

    what a tragedy.

    Anonymous said...

    Strangely I first heard that toilet paper story way back in high school. (it was the '80's ok?)
    Even more strangely it was used in my world religions class by the teacher to illustrate a point. I can't remember what the point was now...

    EF said...

    enjoying the blog. keep up the satire.

    keep meaning to comment: if you're coming to dublin in march and have a desire to head to the great north, email me. i'll make sure you and the wee child bride can drink a pint.


    Anonymous said...

    oh yeah, re the Dublin thing, hopefully you aren't coming on the St. Patrick's weekend. Town is horrondeous then, we all stay in and hide from the tourists.

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    How hard was it to write "...I'd have Sasha on my show..." instead of "...I'd have Sasha on her back..."??

    Gary said...

    I don't get the stigma about figure skating. To me it's the most tolerable of the Olympic sports, but not by much. It trumps the monotony of skiing, luge and speed-skating and the less said about hockey the better. On that note how satisfying was it to see Team Canada's Coach get penalized for bad mouthing the referee?

    (Canada's hockey players are the dirtiest, nastiest sportsmen on the planet who are constantly outclassed in actual skill by European players and whenever their shit gets thrown back at them, my fellow countrymen, I smile a little.)

    Dave Morris said...

    The only two ways I could build up sufficient tolerance for figure skating are:

    1 - To dip my balls into a raging garbage disposal.

    2 - To be allowed to freeze frame the video at certain points and pleasure myself.

    Obviously, you couldn't do both...

    Astrid said...

    Hi Chris! Today someone called for my boss at work and I told this lady that he was already on the phone with someone else, but maybe … maybe he could call her back? And then she said he couldn’t coz she was going home to watch the speedskating-tournament. Then this evening, I had a planned an outing with my mom and my mom would pick me up with the car from the train station and when I got in the car she said “Shhhh … I am listening to the speedskating-tournament.” So yes, fanatic, that is the word for it. Pie in the face, Astrid.