Bode Miller? Disappointment.
Apolo Anton Ohno? Disappointment.
Michelle Kwan? Quitter.
But at least we can take heart in the fact that the U.S. women's curling team is hot.
And it's worth noting that Ohno, Miller, and Kwan are not from Minnesota. Some 29 U.S. Olympians -- including the women's curling hotness -- are from the Land of 10,000 Lakes, the most of any state. By comparison, Great Britain has sent 40 athletes. Minnesota is the shit.
By the way, this is the flag of Austria, and this is the flag of Germany. Keen observers will note that they don't look all that similar -- no more so than they look like the Hungarian, Lithuanian or Russian flags. I bring this up because the concubine last night incorrectly stated that the German and Austrian flags look alike.
The child bride and I were watching alpine skiing last night and NBC's wacky HDTV feed made the country abbreviation of "AUT" look like "AUY," and made the small flag next to the abbreviation unclear.
"What is 'AUY?'" my wife and I were asking of each other until the announcer identified the fellow in question as Austrian.
"Oh, yeah," said the concubine in her knowing tone. "Because their flag looks so much like Germany's. You know, because they're so close together."
The concubine is fond of stating as fact things that are completely untrue.
When Miller failed to qualify for the downhill finals, my dad asked aloud: "Is that his only event?"
"I don't know," I said.
I said this because I didn't know. I find it's usually best to just admit when I don't have the answer to a question -- especially when the question is very specific, like, "Is this Bode Miller's only Olympic event?"
The concubine clearly disagrees with this pansy-ass mindset.
"Yes," she stated. "It's his only event."
"He just needs to shake that off," the announcer said. "Because he is competing in a number of events in this Olympiad."
"I think he also competes in the jump," the concubine said.
In fact, Miller will compete in the combined alpine skiing event, the Super-G, the G. Slalom, and the slalom. He would be shit at the ski jump, I suspect, because he weighs some 70 pounds more than the average ski jumper. At 210 pounds, Miller is the right size for an intense sport that requires a good deal of power. Ski jumpers tend to weigh in at about 140 pounds.
The concubine also questioned out loud, "I wonder if (Apolo Anton Ohno) knows his last name is an American phrase?"
Ski jumping with a Mini.
One Olympic athlete not bringing shame to his country is Shaun White, who won the snowboarding gold medal. I'll admit that he seemed like a dope to me until I saw him talking to the press.
During a press conference he said, "I'm hoping Sasha (Cohen) dates gold medalists,'' then pointed at his gold medal and pretended to be hitting on her. "'Oh yeah, this, I just got it. How's it going?'"
White is also a pro skateboarder and said he would like to see the sport added to the Summer Olympics because, "Sasha would dig that."
And can someone please explain why the Opening Ceremony featured American pop hits from the 70s and 80s. And Yoko Ono? The entire program was saved by the surreal experience of a F1 car doing donuts.
I want one of these hats, worn by the Canadians in the Opening Ceremony.
Utterly mysterious link of the day: British tabloid The Mirror published a single sentence about me.
As much as I want to make fun of Dick Cheney for shooting someone, I can't be arsed. The good news is that he shot a Republican.