Last night, the child bride was not around when I was picking up heavy things and putting them back down again, so I was able to listen to Pantera for the first time in several years.
Here's a little tip for all the kids out there who are considering getting married: if you wind up with someone who is gorgeous and wonderful and totally out of your league, you have to sacrifice a few things. For example, I had to give up getting drunk while watching wrestling and then crying myself to sleep. I also have had to give up on listening to really angry heavy metal as loud as my stereo can stand.
But last night, aha, no one was in the house but me. So, I was free to listen to "Vulgar Display Of Power" as loud as I liked. Unfortunately, hearing the lyrics anew -- e.g., Phil Anselmo's wacky word-association beat poetry: "Fist. Skull. Break" -- made me laugh too hard to work out. The level of my extreme uncoolness in high school seems to reveal itself exponentially with each passing day.
I have decided that Lucy should celebrate her birthday on March 20.
Zoot! Sarah lives! No, not that Sarah, the Sarah who lives in Houston and occasionally disappears from the blog world because her in-laws are bonkers. If the blog world were 1970s-1980s TV classic "Love Boat," Sarah would be Charo -- assuming Charo's father aggressively hated communists.
When I worked for the erstwhile "Team You Know And Trust" in Reno, Nev., Charo was once a guest on our morning show. Not Sarah, the real Charo.
Of course, everyone in the station wanted to have their picture taken with her and she was very gracious, setting herself on the news desk and beckoning people from a line that had formed as if she were some sort of big-boobed over-the-hill Latina Santa. Charo is a pro, she's no doubt in hundreds of thousands of people's photo albums, and she knows that what everyone wants in a "Here's Me With A Celebrity" picture is the impression that the celebrity is actually your pal. So, she pulls you in really close for pictures. Really close.
With Charo up on the anchor desk, it put her massive rack right at about shoulder level for me. She draped her arm around my neck and pulled me in close and I was able to feel her boob pressing into my shoulder and chest. The terrified smile on my face in the resulting picture is the look of a man thinking: "OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL CHARO'S BOOB! DON'T LOOK, MAN! DO NOT STARE AT THE GIGANTIC CELEBRITY BOOBIE THAT IS PRESSED UP AGAINST YOU!"
It felt so wrong. So wrong, in fact, that I never displayed the picture and it has since disappeared.