Thursday, April 6, 2006

I hope my grandmother doesn't read this post

  • Up near Hoss territory, in Portland, Ore., there's a big hullabaloo over sexually explicit e-mails the city's police chief allegedly sent to one of his desk clerks. Normally this sort of thing would be of nominal local interest, but I predict it will move to a national stage now that the media has gotten its hands on legal documents that contain excerpts from the e-mails. With the e-mails containing such charming imagery as, "I want to slide my thick chocolate cock into that moist, tight pussy of yours,"* how can Derrick Foxworth not become a media darling?
    My question, though, is this: how the hell did he get his hands on the letters I've been sending to Keira Knightley?
    "I don't have the ego to write these kind of memos," one of my coworkers said. "The best I could do would be: 'Oh baby, I'll give you a time that is modestly entertaining,' or ' I'm going to keep you up until at least 10:15 p.m.'"

  • Normally I watch only a handful of wrestling pay-per-view events a year, but I'm thinking of pressing Dan (point!) to get a group together solely for this match, which I think should be titled: "The Last Temptation of Shawn Michaels." It's Vinny and Shane O'Mac against the Showstopper and The Lord Our God. How can you not want to see a match in which God is a participant?
    This sets up an opportunity for God to make the biggest heel turn ever, but it strikes me as unlikely.
    What I wonder is how the match will draw heat when it seems a given that Michaels would win. My only guess is that they will follow a familiar storyline that began before Wrestlemania when Vince appeared to Michaels as the devil, trying to tempt him to return to his old ways. I'm guessing Michaels will lose terribly at the Backlash pay-per-view.
    WWE has no problem with being heavy-handed, so expect Michaels to be attacked by McMahon goons as he makes his way to the ring (this after Marty Jannetty denies knowing who he is). Michaels gets thrown around for an excruciatingly long time and eventually gets put through a table (perhaps a table he brought to the ring) as part of the obligatory huge Shane O'Mac bump. As Michaels lays in a bloody heap, the pay-per-view event ends with the lights flashing and the Titantron mysteriously splitting in half.
    Then, Michaels disappears.
    Over the next month, Vinny Mac gleefully shows clips of Michaels' mother and wife at ringside in tears during the Backlash event. He also sets up some sort of "Michaels is dead" event for the May pay-per-view event, which is appropriately named... Judgment Day.
    At Judgment Day, Michaels suddenly appears backstage. Triple H can't believe Michaels is there and feels compelled to actually feel the stitches on some key injury Michaels sustained at Backlash. Michaels comes out with a huge, huge open to rain on the McMahons' parade and defeats all comers soundly.
    Actually, probably none of this will happen. But it proves what I've always said: I should write for the WWE**. I am a genius.

  • England's national football (soccer) team always has an anthem when it heads off to major events like World Cup or European Championship that I guess is supposed to give fans something inoffensive to sing as their team loses again in yet another disappointing display of high-quality talent not really trying very hard. This year's anthem will be sung by the band Embrace. Yeah, I can't name one of their songs off the top of my head, either. And that's not really the point.
    What I find interesting is that it fits into this beautiful oddities thing that I've talked about before. Once again, I will be moving to the UK amid an anthem year. When I moved to Portsmouth, the song was "Three Lions," which I think could be easily rehashed; just change "30 years of hurt" to "40 years of hurt."
    Also in 1996, government officials were worrying over a disease that affected livestock. Then it was mad cow, now it's bird flu.
    Surely I'm looking for these coincidences, but at times I feel propelled toward this, which remains terrifying. I only hope that my return to the UK does not signal the resurgence of the Spice Girls.

  • Why do neither the Bloods nor the Crips have an official website? Those dudes need to get with the times.

  • This is random, but when I die, I want whoever's in charge of my funeral to hire a chubby bloke to sing "Danny Boy" and I want a group of fat Irishmen to break into tears as he's singing. I would also appreciate a stereotypical Scotsman, shouting: "Ach, wee Christian! Ye wer te yoong te die! Nooooo!"

    *And suddenly my page views from Google searches skyrocket.

    **Every other person seems to think they could write for The Onion, or "Daily Show;" what does it say about me that I want to write for professional wrestling?

    Jenny said...

    I have told my husband to hire professional mourners to throw themselves on my coffin. Preferably Italians.

    Anonymous said...

    Done and done. Mark it for Sunday April 30th.