Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The universe is me, age 3

  • Almost 10 years ago, when I flew to England for the first time in my life, I sat next to a very friendly Englishman who told me what he knew about Portsmouth and the surrounding area, and did his best to answer every inane question I had. At about 3 a.m., with me still asking questions about how I could avoid being attacked by the Irish, he turned to me and said: "I'm going to be quiet now."
    That's where I am at the moment. I want to turn to the universe and tell it to stop pestering me. Exciting things are ahead, but I am desperate for a nap. I want to sleep a full night without waking up in a panic about some other stupid thing. This is the longest burnout in all of burnoutdom.

  • To that end, I have all but firmly decided that I will leave the service of my benevolent employer on 9 June. This will ensure that I am not bogged down with such trivial matters as employment once the World Cup starts.

  • I went to the doctor Monday for an annual physical. It was an all-around disappointment.
    For one thing, I seem to have lost weight. The "I-really-should-enjoy-fighting" Texas mentality that I was instilled with as a boy and the fact that so many Minnesotans are of massive Swedish and Norwegian stock means that even though I'm 6-foot-1, I all too often feel like a tiny fella. What I want is to be one of those guys that everyone gives wide berth when he walks into the room. I want biker dudes to soil their leather chaps just at the sight of me. But I'm hardly going to pull that off when I struggle to maintain 12 stone.
    Also, the doctor didn't stick his finger in my ass. What the hell am I paying for?!
    I did, however, get a tetanus shot, which hurt but did not leave any sort of a mark. This makes it very difficult for me to piss and moan to get the child bride's sympathy. Going to the doctor sucks.

  • I'm really surprised that I don't see this lede more often:
    "TALLADEGA, Ala. -- Two NASCAR fans were electrocuted in a campground outside Talladega Superspeedway when a flagpole they were erecting touched power lines."

  • Unexplainable ska lyric I heard today: "I'm on a shrimp boat, AK-47."

    Afe said...

    But surely the doctor gently cradled your balls? Back in my day, it was all about the ball-cradling.

    tuckmac said...


    Okay... Try being 6'3" and 11 stone. It's worse. Although, I seemed to be normal, in Britain. So will you. Oh... Not with the Welsh, they tend to be a bit stocky... But with the English, you're going to fit in very well. As long as you don't speak. Talking is bad.

    I haven't had a guy stick fingers up my bum since 1999, when I was strip searched coming back to the States from my first trip to Britain.

    As to your stress:
    "Breathe deep... The gathering gloom, watch-lights fade from every room."

    Or... Listen to some Moody Blues... It's calming.


    Samsung said...

    I appreciate the offer of the Ranger, but I want to get a little car and out of the truck business.

    And crazy is creativity.


    Neal said...

    If you don't get a finger in the butt, you have a bad doctor.

    Clearlykels said...

    ha ha-- wanting biker dudes to soil their leather chaps. That is just funny.

    Crystal said...

    being 12 stone can't be that bad. remember when bobby and peter brady got stuck in the meat locker that sam's meat market and bobby was thin enough to fit through the window and save the day?

    so no worries, chris, one day you may be able to prevent your death and others by saving them from a meat locker.

    Anonymous said...

    Good luck surviving your benevolent employer until June. I thought I would leave mine that same date, but I got so fed up with everything I am leaving May 4 instead. I'll worry about how to pay my bills after I get back from Wales...

    OldHorsetailSnake said...

    Listen, just stay out of trouble and you will be rewarded for your thinness: You will have 12 minutes more of life.


    Anonymous said...

    but surely you still weigh more than you did in high school, when you were already 6'1" - i think at least your legs have filled out a bit since then.

    but absolutely get a new doctor if he's leaving out the DRE (digital rectal exam). also he should be checking the balls - it's very rare, but testicular cancer actually tends to strike in the 20s. tho i guess you've eeked into your 30s.

    happy last weeks of work...

    Chris Cope said...

    That acronymn sort of hurts Dr. Dre's credibility, doesn't it?