Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Crazy Goes Mobile

My latest column is out and should give you some idea of how things are going around here. Please help me become internationally famous by forwarding it to everyone you know.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Make that 4 August

BT says I won't have the necessary internet tools until 4 August (the day before Eisteddfod starts -- that's not inconvenient at all) and then I have to be the person who sets it up. So, in theory I won't be online until 4 August*, but in practice it could be longer since my technical ability is required.

I miss y'all (as weird as that sounds). Please don't forget about me.

  • Lucy: the child bride and I are planning a quick trip to Rosslare around 1 August -- would you be interested in grabbing lunch with us? Send me an e-mail and I'll try to get back to you within a week.

    *Except when I bike down to the Mary Street Starbucks and pay £5 an hour to use WiFi, as I am now
  • Thursday, July 20, 2006

    The BBC is keeping tabs

    I am still persona non bloga for at least a week (remind me later to tell you the story of where I'm blogging from today), but I wanted to make sure you all saw this article.

    My parents need not worry about how I'm doing -- the BBC is watching after me.

    Tuesday, July 11, 2006

    Failure To Read Instructions Offers Life Lesson

    The high lifeHuzzah, my latest column is out. It has to do with the picture on the left and also earns the distinction of being my last column (for a while, at least) to be written in the United States.

    To that end, this blog will be inactive for a bit as the child bride and I get settled in Cardiff. BT tells me they can't get out to set up my phone line until 20 July and that I can't get Internet service until I have a phone. So, I anticipate I'll be away from the Internet until at least 25 July, possibly longer. I have set my e-mail to automatically tell everyone to not expect to hear from me until 1 August.

    Take care y'all.

    Sunday, July 9, 2006

    More stuff from my sleep

    In a dream last night, this was in a magazine ad:
    "Mosquito repellent as loyal to you as Saint George was to virgin princesses."

    Saturday, July 8, 2006

    I write books in my sleep

    I had a dream last night that I was writing another novel. At 3 a.m., I woke up, got out of bed, and wrote down this quote from one of the characters in my book:

    "Listen, if there's one thing I've learned in all my years, it's that you can't get a good night's sleep in a brothel housing teenage boys -- regardless of their capacity."

    Sadly, when I woke up this morning, I could remember nothing else about the book.

    Friday, July 7, 2006

    The General makes a phone call

    "May I speak to Mary, please?
    Oh, hello, Mary.
    This is General Flame of the League of Super-Greatness...
    Yes, I did receive your application. That's why I'm calling, actually.
    I looked through your application, and I must say that you've put forward some very solid arguments as to why you should join the League. And it's clear to me that you've got the heart to be a member of the League. But, I'm afraid we're going to have to reject your application...
    Well, Mary, to be honest, I'm concerned about your super power...
    No, I agree, it's a good super power. I'm sure it is very useful. And it's certainly unique -- I've never encountered that power -- but it's just, well...
    For one thing, you only have the one super power. You know, most of us have multiple powers. For instance, I can manipulate fire, but I also have a belt buckle that can deflect bullets.
    It is too a super power. It takes a lot of skill to deflect bullets with a belt buckle. You're talking about a limited surface area with a belt buckle -- you have to be very nimble.
    The Sparrow?
    OK, yes, you're right. The Sparrow only has one super power. But The Sparrow has wings, Mary. He can fly. That's a very useful super power...
    No, he is not redundant since other members of the League can also fly.
    Listen, The Sparrow is a respected member of the super hero community and he happens to be a close personal friend of mine...
    No. No, that is not it at all. Mary, the League did not reject your application just because you are a woman. Señora Sensational is a woman. And she's Latina. One of the mission statements of the League is to encourage diversity and...
    No, she is not part of the League just because she's fucking Atomic Steel. For what it's worth, that relationship has cooled considerably since he was lost in the Diamond Dimension.
    Well, Mary, it's kind of you to offer, but I don't think your wearing a skimpy outfit is going to change the decision of the League. It still doesn't get around the fact that your super power, your only super power, is the ability to turn shit into rose petals...
    Yes, like I said, it is useful. For municipal purposes. I would suspect that a large metropolitan area would pay quite well for you to come to a sewage treatment plant and turn all the shit into rose petals. But I can't see what good it would do in fighting evil...
    Look, what are you going to do when a 70-foot robot from the planet Xarnaniam attacks the headquarters of the League of Super Greatness?
    What? Well, he would fly, Mary. What is your hang up with The Sparrow? I could give him some hand grenades and he could fly and drop the grenades on the robot's head...
    Yes, I could give you hand grenades, too, but you'd be throwing them from the ground. I can do that...
    No, I would not be too busy deflecting bullets with my belt buckle. I can deflect bullets and throw hand grenades at the same time. Besides, 70-foot robots from the planet Xarnaniam don't even use bullets...
    Young lady, there is no need to use that tone with me.
    OK, listen. We've gotten off on the wrong foot. I'll tell you what. Right now, I am writing your name down on a piece of paper. And now I am writing down your phone number. Here, I'll hold the paper up to the phone. You hear it? You hear that piece of paper?
    It's what? Easier to get a hold of you by e-mail. OK. What's your e-mail address?
    OK. That's all one word? OK, "rosypoo" at OK. Got it.
    So, that piece of paper is going in my left front breast pocket. The same pocket I keep my cigars in. This is what I'm going to do: IF... If the League ever encounters an evil event that involves fecal matter in any way, I will call you...
    Yes, and e-mail you...
    I'll do both at the same time, all the members of the League have a Blackberry...
    Uhm, I guess it's not confidential information to tell you that we use T-Mobile. The League is on a sort of "friends and families" plan...
    Yeah, it's OK. Except for when evil strikes Akron, Ohio. Our coverage is awful there.
    Speaking of, Mary, it looks like Guy Amazing is in trouble, so I'd better get going. It's been a pleasure to speak to you. Thank you again for your interest in the League of Super Goodness. And remember: Always Do Good...
    Hello? Hello?
    That bitch hung up on me..."


    The above is a piece of Flickr Fiction, based on this photo, from Flickr user YanivG.

    Also taking part this week are Donal, Elisa, Isobel and Sarah.

    Only one year ago

    The London bombings feel so much further way. I remember being very pissed off at the whole thing and knowing that any attempt to put it into words would come out sounding stupid.

    One year on, I'm quite happy and frustrated to see that it accomplished absolutely nothing. Londoners don't have that American-style paranoia, and none of us Britophiles have been fazed in our desire to move to the UK. I'm happy that whatever they (the ubiquitous "they") were trying to accomplish failed so completely; frustrated that random innocent people had to die just to prove that they were idiots.

    Random thought from the evil parts of a 30-year-old's brain

    "Oh, honey. I could watch you make a Blizzard all day."

    Thursday, July 6, 2006

    The insufferable condition of living

    Curly has often written of the problem of being too busy developing stories of life to sit down and blog them. I'm faced with the same dilemma these days. There is a lot happening but I struggle to find any time to make note of it.

    I guess it's an OK problem to have. As long as my brain functions, I can tell stories. And if my brain doesn't function, it won't really bother me.

    Tuesday, July 4, 2006

    Question for those of you in the UK

    The child bride and I will be setting up Internet service and mobile phone service when we move to Cardiff next week. Any suggestions on which companies are the best?

    We're in

    It's been an exhausting week and things only look to become more trying, but, you know, cliché about the complexities of life and how it's all worth it goes here.

    The lede is this: The child bride and I are moving to Cardiff in a week. We are presently in full-on "oh shit" mode as we try to tie up every loose end before leaving the country for real, for a really long time. Both of us are suddenly hit with a sense of thinking: "Wait, we're doing this really? Really? Oh, shit."