Friday, July 7, 2006

The General makes a phone call

"May I speak to Mary, please?
Oh, hello, Mary.
This is General Flame of the League of Super-Greatness...
Yes, I did receive your application. That's why I'm calling, actually.
I looked through your application, and I must say that you've put forward some very solid arguments as to why you should join the League. And it's clear to me that you've got the heart to be a member of the League. But, I'm afraid we're going to have to reject your application...
Well, Mary, to be honest, I'm concerned about your super power...
No, I agree, it's a good super power. I'm sure it is very useful. And it's certainly unique -- I've never encountered that power -- but it's just, well...
For one thing, you only have the one super power. You know, most of us have multiple powers. For instance, I can manipulate fire, but I also have a belt buckle that can deflect bullets.
It is too a super power. It takes a lot of skill to deflect bullets with a belt buckle. You're talking about a limited surface area with a belt buckle -- you have to be very nimble.
The Sparrow?
OK, yes, you're right. The Sparrow only has one super power. But The Sparrow has wings, Mary. He can fly. That's a very useful super power...
No, he is not redundant since other members of the League can also fly.
Listen, The Sparrow is a respected member of the super hero community and he happens to be a close personal friend of mine...
No. No, that is not it at all. Mary, the League did not reject your application just because you are a woman. SeƱora Sensational is a woman. And she's Latina. One of the mission statements of the League is to encourage diversity and...
No, she is not part of the League just because she's fucking Atomic Steel. For what it's worth, that relationship has cooled considerably since he was lost in the Diamond Dimension.
Well, Mary, it's kind of you to offer, but I don't think your wearing a skimpy outfit is going to change the decision of the League. It still doesn't get around the fact that your super power, your only super power, is the ability to turn shit into rose petals...
Yes, like I said, it is useful. For municipal purposes. I would suspect that a large metropolitan area would pay quite well for you to come to a sewage treatment plant and turn all the shit into rose petals. But I can't see what good it would do in fighting evil...
Look, what are you going to do when a 70-foot robot from the planet Xarnaniam attacks the headquarters of the League of Super Greatness?
What? Well, he would fly, Mary. What is your hang up with The Sparrow? I could give him some hand grenades and he could fly and drop the grenades on the robot's head...
Yes, I could give you hand grenades, too, but you'd be throwing them from the ground. I can do that...
No, I would not be too busy deflecting bullets with my belt buckle. I can deflect bullets and throw hand grenades at the same time. Besides, 70-foot robots from the planet Xarnaniam don't even use bullets...
Young lady, there is no need to use that tone with me.
OK, listen. We've gotten off on the wrong foot. I'll tell you what. Right now, I am writing your name down on a piece of paper. And now I am writing down your phone number. Here, I'll hold the paper up to the phone. You hear it? You hear that piece of paper?
It's what? Easier to get a hold of you by e-mail. OK. What's your e-mail address?
OK. That's all one word? OK, "rosypoo" at yahoo.com. OK. Got it.
So, that piece of paper is going in my left front breast pocket. The same pocket I keep my cigars in. This is what I'm going to do: IF... If the League ever encounters an evil event that involves fecal matter in any way, I will call you...
Yes, and e-mail you...
I'll do both at the same time, all the members of the League have a Blackberry...
Uhm, I guess it's not confidential information to tell you that we use T-Mobile. The League is on a sort of "friends and families" plan...
Yeah, it's OK. Except for when evil strikes Akron, Ohio. Our coverage is awful there.
Speaking of, Mary, it looks like Guy Amazing is in trouble, so I'd better get going. It's been a pleasure to speak to you. Thank you again for your interest in the League of Super Goodness. And remember: Always Do Good...
Hello? Hello?
That bitch hung up on me..."

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The above is a piece of Flickr Fiction, based on this photo, from Flickr user YanivG.

Also taking part this week are Donal, Elisa, Isobel and Sarah.

7 comments:

Lucky said...

That was freakin' hilarious. Way to go!

Bram Davidson said...

i wanna join

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Does Mary have Shinola?

(Cute, kiddo.)

littlegoat said...

i love the supernames.

a. fortis said...

Ha!!! Awesome. For a while, I thought she was going to argue about the potential havoc caused by shit being turned into roses BEFORE it even exits the body. That could be....uncomfortable. I guess.

Isobel said...

Brilliant! An extremely marketable if not practical superpower.

Donal said...

Great stuff Chris.

What about Atomic Steel though, will he ever escape from the Diamond Dimension?