Friday, April 13, 2007

One part of my childhood comes to a violent end

"Alright, sir. If you wouldn't mind running through it again for us..."

"Sure, me and my son, we're here in the kitchen making Slurpees..."

"I think Slurpee is a trademarked product, sir."

"Fine, we're making a Slurpee-like flavored ice drink in the kitchen, when suddenly this huge son of a bitch comes crashing through the wall and screaming at us."

"Through the wall?"

"Yeah. Right through a fucking brick wall. Scared the shit out of Tyler. He just got over wetting the bed, too. This experience ain't gonna do him no favors."

"And what did you do?"

"Well, fortunately I had my Smith and Wesson Model 500 holstered..."

"I'm sorry."

"Smith and Wesson Model 500. It's a .50 caliber handgun. Anyway..."

"Hold on - .50 caliber?! You just happened to be carrying, not just a loaded firearm, but the most powerful handgun in the world. In your kitchen."

"What part of the Second Amendment says I can't have a gun in my kitchen?"

"Fair enough. I assume you attempted to shoot the assailant?"

"Emptied the fucking chamber at him. But, he moved really quick for such a big guy, so I think I only got him once."

"I'd think once with a .50 cal would be enough."

"He broke through a brick wall, remember. But it'll slow him down. He went off that way, up Davis Avenue."

"Yeah. We've got men out for him... OK, hold on, my radio's flashing at me. This is Detective Habbards, 10-9 please."

"Code 10. Code 10. Suspect spotted on Davis and 14th. Possible 11-47. Detective, I think we've got your guy."

"10-4. I'm 11-15."

"10-9, sir. I'm pretty sure you're not 11-15."

"Really? What's 11-15?"

"Ballgame in street."

"Huh? Why the hell is that a code?"

"No clue, sir. Presumably at one time the department had to break up a lot of ballgames."

"OK. 537 then?"

"Defrauding an innkeeper, sir?"

"Christ on a cupcake! What's the code for 'I'm on my way and I'll be there as fast as I can?'"

"There is no code for that, sir. It's assumed. If you want, you can say 'en route.'"

"10-4. En route."


"OK, 10-97."

"'Officer arrived at scene.' Very good, sir."

"Thanks. 10-36*?"

"11:52**, sir"

"I'm fine. How are you holding up?"

"No, sir. 11:52 a.m., sir."

"Ah, right. All this is a long way to go just to show off that someone still remembers the radio codes for the San Diego Police Department. What's the situation here?"

"Well, sir, I'm pretty sure we've got your perp holed up in this Biffy over here. And from the looks of it he's in bad shape. Take a look at the snow leading up to the portable toilet -- stained with red."

"Jesus. OK, hand me the megaphone... Hey! You in there -- in the porta-potty. Can you hear me?"


"Wait a second. If there's snow on the ground, how could we have been using San Diego police codes?"

"Dramatic license, sir. I think we've got bigger problems. He's coming out."

"Mother of God! What is that thing?! Open fire! Open fire! Open fire!"

*Time check
**Are you OK?


The above is a piece for Flickr Fiction. If you're lost as to what the short story was about perhaps this video will help. Also playing along this week are: TadMack, Neil and Valsha.


tanita✿davis said...

The "Oh Yeah!" is just ...disturbing. And the fact that he'd hole up in a port-a-potty just gives me the creeps - obviously he knew he needed somewhere to dump the excess liquid...

Many, many times during my childhood, I wondered why nobody ever shot this guy. Thank you...

Neil Struthers said...

Kill it--


Anonymous said...

Ha ha! excellent.
You know, on Saturday I watched as kool aid was used to dye wool. You just microwave it. Toxic, toxic stuff.

Anonymous said...

Hah, excellent. Sadly we never had Kool Aid over here. I believe has uses as a permanent dye, and they feed this to children you say.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, two people, sitting on the same sofa, drinking tea from the same pot, connected through the same internet connection, write essentially the same comment at the same time.
Perhaps we should talk more.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I don't know which is more disturblinly brilliant - the ad or the piece. And the poor police who don't even know where they are ...

Genius. Pure genius.

Anonymous said...

Um, that would be disturbingly, not disturblinly.

It took me four goes to type it right this time.

The Kool Aid ad has broken my brain!

Sarah Stevenson said...

Hilarious! You have amused me greatly.

You know, you can supposedly use Kool-Aid to dye your hair...I've never personally tried it, though.

Anonymous said...

brilliant! That kool-aid jug freaked the shit outta me as a kid. Also love the meta-meta stuff.

George said...

Wow! This is an awesomely awesome story! Oh Yeah!

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how I found this, but thank you for giving voice to in idea that I never could.