Why I watch Five News

I know some pretty people. I know a lot of them, actually. My wife is very pretty -- so much so that I had former KGB agents brainwash her into marrying me (post-Soviet Union espionage types were very affordable in the late 90s. They even let me pay on credit. At 4.3% APR, I found their rates so reasonable that I also decided to have Wilt Chamberlain* killed). Many of the people whose blogs I read (over there on the right) are also pretty.

Many of the pretty people I know are important. They are doctors and teachers and artists and (soon-to-be) religious leaders. Scientists have proven that knowing someone important makes you important by association. This is known as the David Gest Effect. In and of himself, Gest is an insufferable little man, but he knows celebrities. And celebrities are the most important people of all. David Gest knows so many celebrities -- and is therefore so important -- that they have given him his own show.

Similar research also proved that second-hand smoke causes second-hand coolness.

Having formerly worked in television news, I can claim to have been in close proximity to all sorts of important people, Charo, the Duchess of York, and Amy Hockert among them. But, unfortunately, none of those people could tell you my name (Hockert was slobbering drunk when she and I had wild sex in the back of a '78 Datsun Sunny** and claims not to remember anything from that night). So, I can't really claim to be all that important.

But that's changing. I spotted Asha Tanna (pictured, left) anchoring Five News on Sunday. And I have since found video of her talking to major celebrities. Asha and I know each other from our Pure FM days, when I was goofy for her and displaying all the subtlety of a circus parade in trying to get her attention. I'm pretty sure that interviewing John Travolta and having her face broadcast across the whole of Britain makes Asha eligible to be a contestant on "Celebrity Big Brother," and very important indeed. Which means that I am important. Maybe.

When I saw Asha on TV Sunday, I found myself googly eyed and saying aloud: "Wow, how cool is it that I know someone who anchors the national news?!"

"She probably doesn't remember you, honey," Rachel said.

"No. I'm sure she does," I said, trying to convince myself. "We hung out a lot. I have an e-mail from her that she sent in January 2005. She does remember me. She does! I'm sure she does! You're so cruel!"

Then I ran out of the room, crying and flailing my arms like a little girl. I sent an e-mail to Asha, but have yet to hear back from her. I suppose now that she's important she'll deny any knowledge of me, just like that heartbreaker Amy Hockert. (UPDATE: Asha wrote back. In your face, doubters.)

*He drove the San Diego Conquistadors into the ground. Bastard

**This is a total lie. Please, Amy Hockert, don't sue me.