Saturday, July 28, 2007

An open letter to Arriva Trains Wales

Dear Arriva Trains Wales,

Sometimes I feel very lonely and empty inside, and I want so very desperately to be held. I would like to thank you, therefore, for your utter incompetence when it comes to serving the needs of your customers.

Your morning- and afternoon-commute trains are so packed with people that they are physically pressed up against one another. Twice a day I can experience a level of intimacy that would usually require my buying dinner for someone, at the very least.

Even better, I often have multiple partners. Why, just the other day I found myself delighting in the warm embrace of five slightly largish women on the way from Cathays to Radyr. That kind of action would normally cost a fortune in Amsterdam, or require me to join a religious cult, but on Arriva trains it can be had for as little as £1.10. Actually, my experience was free! Your train was so crowded the conductor couldn't walk down the aisles to sell anyone a ticket.

Thanks Arriva Trains Wales. You're the best.

Chris Cope


Scary Monster said...

Stomps and Salutations.
Me be travelling the links from blog to blog lookin for something new to read and Me be one happy Monster that me came upon your place. Although Me has a heck of a time tryin to pronounce the names of some of the places you be writtin about, me sure do likes the way they sound.

In me corner of the world, getting on an empty train would be the exception, not the norm. And gettin close and personal with any member of the opposite sex could land you in jaileven if you be an immortal time-traveling bisexual.


Dafydd Tomos said...

It could be worse, you could be pressed up against me :) I travel 'off-peak' (just after 9am and just after 6pm) which means I don't get this pleasure any more.

What I don't like about crowded trains is that wild panic when the train arrives at a station and people have to push along the aisles to get off. I was trying to get out once, when a woman kept pushing me from behind (not saying excuse me or anything). I had a moment of train-rage and said "Don't panic! I'm getting off too!" - she didn't say anything but looked suitable chastised.

Passengers are told off for loitering by the doors, but there is a reason for it particularly if, like me, you're only travelling one stop.