Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Nice to see you, to see you...

"At least it's not child porn."

That's usually my defence when people frown and roll their eyes in disdain toward my love of "Strictly Come Dancing". I mean, if I'm going to be obsessed with something that makes you uncomfortable to hear me talk about, far better for it to be celebrity dancing rather than pictures of naked children. And actually, put in those terms, my fondness for Strictly (a) is perfectly healthy.

I mean, have you seen Tess Daly? I want scientists to perfect cloning so I can have my very own personal-use Tess Daly. I also want an Ola Jordan. And two Kristina Rihanoffs, because I will wear. that. out.

Beyond the opportunity to see scantily clad women, however, there is something about the show that I just love. I can't quite figure out what it is, but I thoroughly enjoy every element. I am actually amused by the cheesy likeable nature of Bruce Forsyth, I want Len Goodman to come over for Thanksgiving, I wish Craig Revel Horwood lived next door, and so on. In my daily life I will reference the judges, hosts and contestants of Strictly as if they were all people I actually knew -- my gang of glittery, camp, dancy friends.

Am I sad? Am I pathetic? Yes. But at least it's not child porn.

So, I'm going to blog about it. Because, firstly, I don't really feel like blogging what's happening in my actual life; and, secondly, because I harbour the quiet hope that at least one other person somewhere on the internets shares my mad love for the programme. I regularly wish that I were famous just so I could be eligible to take part.

I didn't get a chance to talk about week 1, but there wasn't really much of note. That's sort of the way in the early stages; you spend the first few weeks waiting for the sucky ones to go, along with the odd shock-exit due to the as-sound-as-a-pro-wrestling-plot-line voting system. The only thing that sticks in my memory from that week is: Joe Calzaghe.

Oh, Joe. What the hell, man? Please improve before we see you dance again next week. Surely you understand how important this is to Wales. Also, please stop with the fake boxing thing. We get it. We know what your famous for. No one else goes around miming their claim to fame.

Thankfully he wasn't dancing this past weekend. For those of you playing along at home or with social lives, at this stage in things there are about 9,000 celebrities in the show. There isn't enough time to squeeze them all in. Especially considering that Brucie's average joke set-up is now running about five minutes per gag. So half dance one week, half dance the next week.

This week saw Richard Dunwoody leave the show. "Who?" you ask. Exactly.

The real high point of this week was the strange "Welcome to the Thunderdome" feathered dress worn by Alesha Dixon. It looked as if she had stolen the the cloak off that bloke in CBBC's "Raven".

Actually scoring worse than Dunwoody and Lilia were Jo Wood and Brendan.
In their tango they scored an 18, and earned the same in their rumba. Jo is "famous" for fucking a member of the Rolling Stones. One assumes that a fair amount of drug use came part and parcel with that gig and it kind of shows in the way she moves; she's not 100-percent sure that she's actually there. Whereas you are sure, and equally sure you wish that she weren't. She sucked, Brendan was outraged. Brendan is, to me, the Didier Drogba of ridiculous celebrity dance shows. I find myself watching him in hopes of seeing him suffer a career-ending injury.

Craig "I'm from the North, me" Kelly and Flavia were the next up the leader board (check me out, usin' the lingo!), which was kind of surprising to me. I thought they were alright. I especially like the shouting Craig did in their tango. If I were a judge, you would get an automatic point for shouting. However, that point would be lost for making me listen to that damn "Jai Ho" song. All in all, they scored a 22. They again achieved the double deuce in their rumba, which, admittedly, was about as sexy as chips. And what was that weird Karate Kid leg lift they did in the middle?

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent are likely to be in the show for quite a while, so it doesn't really matter how well they did. Natalie is beloved by the British public, or, at least, that part of the British public that watches "EastEnders" -- which is a lot. I, myself, watched "EastEnders" for several years, until I realised that there was no rule saying that I had to. But that time was enough to develop a soft spot in my heart for our big-boned mouth-breathing Natalie. How can you not love her? Their tango scored a 24, which was possibly a bit low but the whole thing was hurt by the fact that Vincent, he is very, very speedy -- so Natalie looked slower than she actually was. Their cha cha (cha) scored a little better, 26, but again suffered from Vincent's speediness. Your man needs to learn not to make his celebrity look bad, yo.

I don't really want to like Phil Tufnell and Katya, but I kind of do. I liked the training footage that showed Phil shouting at the mirror, "Come on, Tuffers! Let's 'ave it!", and I also like his dance partner. I can't quite decide what I like about Katya. She kind of looks like one of those amateur porn stars that you look at and think, "Oh, sweetheart, you could be doing so much more with your life" -- and in this case she is. Instead of throat gagging, she's teaching a cricket legend how to dance. Their waltz scored a respectable 29 points, but I actually enjoyed more the lower-scoring cha cha (cha). The shiny gold outfits and swanky music gave it a real "Love Boat" feel. They scored a 22.

To this point I have referenced porn, professional wrestling, Premiership soccer and 1970s American television. Is anyone but me following this? Fuck it. No one's reading blogs anymore anyway.

I have no idea who Laila Rouass is, but I echo the sentiment of being happy to see her teamed with Anton "Brucie's love child" Du Beke. How many times have we had to see poor, likeable, charming Anton pushing an utterly clueless woman about the dance floor? Their tango scored a 30, and their cha cha (cha) scored a 25 -- the latter train-wrecking toward the middle. One of the judges complained that it wasn't very exciting and I liked Anton's response: "I was terribly excited. I was so excited I could barely contain myself."

My favourite dance of the week came from Zoe Lucker and James. Generally, I'd like to punch James in the face. With my fists. My fists to his stupid face. Kapow. But in every season of Strictly I've watched he always gets his female celebrities to act naughty, and their rumba was just that. I sometimes like to pretend that I am a judge, and here's what I would have said after that dance: "Two words, my friend: Cougar porn." I wasn't the only one thinking along those lines. Bruno got all animated and shouted: "I can feel something growing, big and powerful!" For all that, though, it only earned a 31. Their waltz, meanwhile, earned a 30.

Ricky Whittle and Natalie finished the show on top, which will make things all the more upsetting when he is dropped from the show next time due to the fact that no one knows who the hell he is. I have never met a person who's watched a full episode of "Hollyoaks," which is odd because it seems to be on 24 hours a day. Anywho, their waltz earned a 33 and their rumba earned a 32. What was up with Natalie's crazy whore hair in the rumba? Also, if you watch the video of the rumba, I like the fact that Ricky hits Natalie with a crooked arm lariat at 0:59. I want to see more of that. The day that Strictly is meshed with WWE is the day I've died and gone to heaven.

And that's pretty much it. I have effectively alienated every reader this blog ever had. And I plan on doing the same again next week.

(a) In the United States we would shorten it to "SCD", whereas in Britain people just drop words.


Anonymous said...

I think Joe would be quite happy to fight the judges, audience and the other contestants (all at once preferably) rather than have a put-down from Len...........

Wierdo said...

I also liked Tuffers even though I tried not to. He's a bit quirky and suprisingly good on the dance floor.

I'm glad brendon has someone not good this time. He makes me want to boo and hiss like I'm watching a pantomime.

Anonymous said...

see, chris, this is why i love you to death. i have been a DWTS fan since the beginning and have been dying to see an episode of Strictly this season. - so totally jealous of you! but thank you for the rundown on the dances so far, and for posting the dances, even though most of them i wasn't able to watch because of copyright restrictions. (yup, i'm in the states and an avid eastenders fan as well)

Chris Cope said...

Anonymous #2, with all your confessions of love I am really hoping that you are, in fact, Reese Witherspoon. Thank you for finally finding my blog, Reese. Now please come to my house.