Thursday, October 29, 2009

I got all the bitches, baby

Dude, look at this picture of Claudia Winkleman. How hot is she? Has anyone else noticed that over the years Claudia has gotten more and more attractive? Remember when she was first hosting "It Takes Two" and looked a bit like Moaning Myrtle? OK, no, you don't. No one does. Because I am probably the only person not related to Claudia to pay that much attention to her. But I think she's awesome. I enjoy watching Claudia talk about "Strictly Come Dancing" as much as I enjoy watching the actual show.

The other day, Elisa and I had a wee Twitter exchange about the fact that female comics tend not to be very funny. Indeed, the only women I can think of who I think are funny are not comics. My friend, Heidi, for instance, is one of the funniest people I know, but, see, she's not a professional comic. She's an administrative type for a natural foods co-op. In terms of women that you, dear reader, are likely to actually see, Claudia Winkleman ranks near the top for me. One of my favourite examples of her humour is when Ricky Groves stated there would be "a few surprises" in his dance for that week and Claudia, without missing a beat, shouted: "Ooh! Will there be biscuits?"

And Claudia interacting with Marian Keyes is television gold. Seriously. I want the two of them to have their own show. Simply release the two into the world and follow them around with a camera. T'would be brilliant.

Although, I have to think that part of what I perceive as Claudia's wit is, in fact, a sign or her suffering some sort of low-level madness. What else could explain her being sad to see Jo Wood and Brendan Cole leave the show? Her "samba hell" scored a 14, the lowest score of the series. And you can't really feel bad for Jo. The woman is so dim, it's questionable whether she was aware that any of it had ever happened. I, of course, am delighted to see her go if not simply because it means watching less Brendan.
Less Brendan = Happy Chris

Craig Kelly and Flavia - Samba - 18
OK, I am fully behind Marian Keyes' "Get Craig to Blackpool" campaign, but, golly, this was hard to watch. Well, let me correct that; Craig was hard to watch. Flavia's wearing a bespangled dish cloth and flying about the dance floor was very easy to watch. If I were T.H. Parry-Williams, such a thing would inspire me to write pages and pages of wandering esoteric prose about motorcycles (a). But it was the whole Craig-being-there thing that was hard to watch. At several points in the dance he appears to be channelling Michael Flatley. That is never good. Ever.
On a side note. I seem to remember someone telling me that there was a show on TG4 a while back that involved celebrities learning rince (b). It hurts just to think about that. And I am surprised that S4C hasn't done something similar. They're presently broadcasting Fferm Factor, for fuck's sake, so clearly it's not an issue of them having any sort of standards.

Phil Tufnell and Katya - Samba - 25
Tuffers consistently makes me think of "The Love Boat" when he dances, which by extension always causes me to flash back to the time when Vegas legend Charo grabbed my head and shoved my face in between her breasts. That really did happen, by the way. The experience was equidistant between traumatic and awesome, and I've never really been able to decide how I feel about the whole thing. Similarly, I am at a loss when it comes to Phil's dancing. It's not good, but it's not awful and I like that Katya. Although, what was up with her dress this week? She looked like she was wearing a bath mat.

Laila Rouass and Anton - Samba - 28
Something about Anton makes me think of Sir Harry Paget Flashman. Not so much in his look or demeanour but in that he is a ridiculous version of some Britain of a bygone era. Anton belongs to a Britain that would declare war on those Brazilian savages rather than attempt to dance like them, what. And you can see the old chap hasn't quite mastered the trick of the thing. Len described the dance as "beige," and I think that's because Anton doesn't really possess the flair for wiggling his hips. You sense he's almost as uncomfortable with the dance as is Laila. Best return to the ballroom stuff, old boy.

Chris Hollins and Ola - American Smooth - 28
Meh. Ola was wearing clothes for this dance, so I didn't pay much attention.

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent - American Smooth - 29
Despite the fact that Natalie reminded me of Margaret Dumont, I think hers was the best American Smooth of the night. Other dances were flashier but she actually got the feel of the thing. If the idea is to make the dance look like those seen in Hollywood musicals, Natalie and Vincent came the closest. And the decision not to put in any lifts was, I think, the right way to go. As Natalie pointed out herself, Vincent is wee and his picking her up would have looked awkward.

Ricky Groves and Erin - American Smooth - 29
Speaking of awkward. I was kind of expecting some full-on awesomeness from Ricky this week because Erin had said on "It Takes Two" that she was having him channel Dick Van Dyke by dancing to "Chim-Chim Cheree". But perhaps my hopes were too high as a result. My dad can recite the whole of Mary Poppins from memory (you think I'm kidding, but I'm not), so I know me some Dick Van Dyke, bitches. And Ricky Groves, you're no Dick Van Dyke.
Ricky and Erin will be dancing the rumba next week. Prepare yourself for a whole lot of pain.

Ricky Whittle and Natalie - Samba - 32
Have you ever noticed that there there seems to be a correlation between a woman's boobs and her face? That is, the (naturally) larger her breasts, the less appealing her countenance. There are exceptions, of course, but on the whole it seems as if some sort of deal was struck at the point of creation in which God said: "Right, which do you want: massive bazooms or a pretty face?" Similarly, Ricky Whittle seems to have struck a deal in which he exchanged personality for killer abs. So, despite the fact that odds makers have him pegged to win the show, I think the downfall is nigh. As soon as the quality of dancing is about even (i.e., once the consistently low-scoring couples are gone), personality is going to be vitally important in scoring points with voters. Which means Ricky's in trouble.

Jade "The Lioness" Johnson and Ian - Samba - 32
I think the Lioness, on the other hand, has personality. But perhaps other people don't see it. I don't get how she ended up in the dance off. My guess as to how that happened is that all the women across the country were insanely jealous of how Jade looked in that dress, and all the men were too busy taking cold showers. So she was left with only the votes of gay guys who were taken with Ian's sparkly trousers and tight open shirt, and it just wasn't enough.

Zoe Lucker and James - American Smooth - 32
This was a quiet week for the Cougar, and I blame James. His two lifts seemed just sort of placed in there as if ticking off boxes rather than fitting with the feel of the music, and the whole thing felt just a bit plastic. Add to that the technical flubs and it arguably didn't deserve the high score it received. Indeed, the major highlight of their dance wasn't even in the dance itself. I have listened to it over and over again, and I am convinced that at 1:02 in the video the singer says: "I got all the bitches, baby, one man can ever claim."
I know it's supposed to be "riches" but go on, listen to it yourself. Dude says "bitches."

Ali Bastian and Brian - American Smooth - 37
I want to find the person who uploads videos onto YouTube for the BBC and hit them with a stick for claiming that "A Foggy Day" was made famous by Michael Bublé. The fuck? Ever heard of Frank Sinatra? Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald? Fuck that Michael Bublé noise, yo. Whoever made it famous, though, Ali and Monkey Face looked good dancing to it. Something about Ali is growing on me.
She has that sort of Englishness that is strangely appealing. Sexy, almost. If there were any Welsh people reading this, they will have abandoned me now, but there is a very certain kind of quality or essence in a very certain kind of Englishwoman that is attractive. They are tiny in their size and in their ways, like adorable door mice. More often than not they are fascinated by jam. Many moons ago, I dated a girl like that. She was no more intellectually stimulating than the tea mugs she would cradle with both hands, sipping slowly from them and capturing the tea's warmth in all ways, but I loved to look at her. I loved the shape of her and smell of her. She would twist herself up in my bedsheets and look at me through messed dirty-blonde curls and talk about the most inane things -- her favourite types of biscuit, brands of tea, jam and Dorset. And I would look at her and sigh inside and think: "You are so lovely, if only you understood any of the things I talk about."
But, anyway, Ali has that sort of quality and I find myself warming to her. I envy Brian and all the jam-related conversations that he must have each day.

And that was last week's show. Having Harry Connick Jr. as the musical guest was a definite high point. With a single exception, I'm pretty sure that every girl I've ever dated or attempted to date has had to suffer listening to Harry Connick Jr. in my presence. The very unlucky ones have had to suffer my singing along. Perhaps it's the musical equivalent of talking about jam, but I can't help it. I think the guy is cool.
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(a) There's a reference that I suspect only two people will get.

(b) Traditional Irish dance

4 comments:

Jenny said...

I'm torn between flattery at being mentioned in your last post and horror at the low-grade misogyny in this post. My feminist self is putting you ON NOTICE. The rest of me says CARRY ON, GOOD MAN!

Huw said...

I'm glad you write these posts. I don't read past the bit where you start describing dances I haven't seen, but it makes me happy that it makes you happy. I am indulgent.

Llyr said...

KC16?

Chris Cope said...

I knew you'd get that, Llyr.