Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A travesty

The Wales Blog Awards short list was released this week, and I have to say I'm shocked to discover this blog was not included. No doubt you are as well.

I'm sure that those of you who have been reading this blog for a while will agree I am a better writer than you. I am a better writer than anyone you know. I am a better writer than all those guys you had to study in school (a). So, obviously, my not being included in the short list is a case of blatant racism. The judges of this "competition" clearly hate awesome people.

Most of the time I try to keep quiet about this sort of thing. Last time I addressed my own awesomeness, 23 people in Sunderland killed themselves because they realised how utterly insignificant their lives were compared to mine. But I feel now compelled. I must speak out. On behalf of all the awesome men and women of the world, I am tired of having lesser people try to hold us back. Why can't you just accept us for what we are: awesome.

Stop being so jealous because you go home at night and sleep with only one person. I have so many women that I've had to write up a rota, which I keep on the fridge. I am booked up throughout the day. Writing this blog post is cutting into Selena Gomez's three hours. She's very upset.

See what you've done, Wales Blog Awards? You've upset Selena Gomez.

Stop being jealous of my good looks, my muscles, my boyish charm, my intellect, and my writin' skillz. Stop hatin', you lesser people. Your lives are shit, but you don't need to take that out on me. You know the Wales Blog Award for best writing on a blog rightfully belongs to me, unless you change the award's name to: "Best Writing On a Blog That Isn't Chris Cope's Because Otherwise He Would Totally Fucking Win."

This is an outrage. If Katya Virshilas weren't next on my lady rota, I would probably write a letter to President Obama, asking that he do something about this. As someone who has also had to struggle all his life with the fact that he is incredibly awesome, he would understand. He'd probably issue an embargo on Welsh cakes and this country's entire economy would collapse. But I won't write that letter, because I'm too awesome.

Also, Katya has a lot of stamina.

Besides, despite the best efforts of the Wales Blog Awards judges to drag me down to their level, I am still in the competition. My Welsh blog has been shortlisted in the Best Welsh-Language Blog category.

Admittedly, there are only three blogs in that category because a number of bloggers asked to not be considered. They said they didn't want to take part because the idea of a single award for all Welsh-language blogs is condescending, ignoring that blogs of all categories are written in Welsh. Just as they are in English or Spanish or French or Japanese or any of the other hundreds of languages in which blogs are written. But, of course, those Welsh-language bloggers were just saying that. In fact, they dropped out because they knew they were up against me.

So, I will be at the Wales Blog Award ceremony on 14 October, where I will collect my award for best Welsh-language blog. Thus far there has been no talk of what exactly that award will be. Personally, since I already have a house full of trophies, I would prefer to simply be given a check. A giant one, like those given in casino jackpots. I am fine with confetti and balloons, but please do not hire any bikini-clad girls to stand next to me in pictures. Most likely they're already on my lady rota, and they need their sleep.


(a) Except Wilson Rawls, of course. Where the Red Fern Grows is the best book ever written. It is better than the Bible. Just thinking now of Old Dan and Little Ann, my eyes are filled with tears.


Cambria Politico said...

Well yes I agree that a man of your ego and talent should definitely have been shortlisted.
My mistake. I should have nominated you instead of Martin Morgan's nogood boyo blog.
However Nogoodboyo has not been listed so we are now all in hiding in case he sends an Eastern European gog-born hitman after us. The judges had better watch their back or at least take their kinky underwear off the washing line.

Annie said...

I'm actually incensed

heatherfeather said...

I believe you should work the phrase "lady rota" into everyday parlance.

No Good Boyo said...

What's this? Right, it's time to unplug Kolya Lektryk from Madame Boyo's father's milking device and send him over to Cardiff for some cultural cross-fertilisation, involving real fertiliser.

And congratulations Mr Polka on your win and your epic blogs.

The Internet is scarely large enough to contain them, and may have to off-load some porn to fit you in.

Dani said...

Where The Red Fern Grows traumatized me. If it doesn't make you cry, you are without a soul.