Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Days 80-102

I suffer these waking sleeps: long periods -- days, weeks, months -- in which nothing really happens. I just go about a sub routine, I live another day, but nothing really happens. Especially in terms of creativity. Then one day I'll wake up and all the time that has passed since I last really used my brain, last really attempted to create anything, will overwhelm me. I'll feel disappointed and angry and panicked and sick. I become obsessed with the idea that at any moment I could get a brain hemorrhage and that my little dream of being a professional author will not only have gone unachieved but also un-attempted. 

That's what happened to me this week. On Sunday I was hanging out with my friend Laura, whose band will be performing live on 6 Music next week, and her boyfriend Clint, who is a professional stand-up comic. The next morning I woke up and in my sleepy hungover haze a great wave of rage swelled up within me at all the things I haven't done.

I have since been both angry and in fear of slipping back into the walking sleep. I feel somewhat energized to read, write, think and act upon my desire to be a professional author, but I am fearful of losing that, of falling back into the mind numb. 

Today, however, I sent a submission to a local publisher that had been suggested by Laura, and I feel strangely optimistic. I feel that I have a good manuscript and that if I can just get someone to actually, really look at the damned thing it will get published.

Here's hoping.



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