Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Time to make the donuts

Stolen from Thomas and Omega

6:30 a.m. -- Alarm goes off. Swear. Hit snooze and grab alarm clock to tuck up underneath pillow so it won't wake the child bride when it goes off again; bury head in same pillow.
6:34 a.m. -- Hit snooze again.
6:38 a.m. -- Hit snooze again.
6:42 a.m. -- Turn off alarm clock; walk into main room and click on space heater; take shower; get dressed in front of space heater.
7:15 a.m. -- Go upstairs; make tea and two pieces of toast; make sandwich for lunch; eat toast and drink tea whilst watching BBC World; listen to my dad comment again that one of their business reporters looks like Morticia Addams.
8:00 a.m. -- Go back downstairs; bag up lunch; read.
8:20 a.m. -- Kiss the child bride goodbye, making point to say, "I love you," so as to avoid ironic "What Dreams May Come"-style tragedy; go to work.
8:50 a.m. -- Arrive at palatial headquarters of my benevolent employer; discuss most recent sporting event with co-worker; turn on computer and open the following windows: Microsoft Outlook, Internet Explorer, BBC Radio Player, Microsoft Word, AIM.
9:00 a.m. -- Open AIM chat with fellow proofreaders. There are three of us on the day shifts, reading the bulk of the news stories that come through for 73 news websites. Most of the stories would not earn a passing grade in first-grade English. I know this as fact because I saw the Cutest Niece in America's homework in December. It addressed issues that many news writers are still struggling with, e.g., their/there/they're, its/it's, your/you're. On a related note, "under way" is two words, for fuck's sake, unless you are talking about a naval vessel that is presently moving.
My primary function is to identify libel, also known as The Thing That Will Get Us All Fired in the news business, but all too often my role becomes that of a remedial English teacher. I find that the stories make more sense if I read them with a Vietnamese accent, pretending that the author has just arrived to the Land of Opportunity having learned English by watching "Three's Company" re-runs.
In a given day, I read upward of 250 news stories. On average, I read about the deaths of 43 people every day. Mixed up among those deaths are stories of rapes, abductions, attacks, house fires, car wrecks, pedophiles, drug addicts, celebrity worship, product recalls, fad diets, recipes, and false medical hopes -- all fired into my skull at the rate of more than one story every two minutes. I used to think that being aware of all this -- swimming in it all day long -- somehow made me a better person. I have since changed my opinion.
In between proofreading stories I read blogs and build a blog post of my own in Word. I do this in no-more-than-30-second intervals.
11:00 a.m. -- Maggie comes in. She is funnier than the rest of us.
1:00 p.m. -- Lunch. Every day I have a sandwich, potato chips, an orange and three orange Milano cookies. While eating I read the sports section -- it's clear that I work in an Internet company because the sports section is always available and everyone else complains that the variety section has gone missing again. After I'm done eating, I read a book -- usually a novel written in Welsh.
2:00 p.m. -- Repeat 9-1 routine.
5:45 p.m. -- Quickly proofread whatever I've come up with for a blog post and publish.
6:00 p.m. -- Head home. If I'm in my car I listen to sports radio KFAN, if I'm in my dad's car I listen to him offer commentary on the news of the day.
6:30 p.m. -- Arrive home; work out. I either run 5 miles or spend 50 minutes picking up heavy things and putting them back down. It helps me maintain my sexy ice dancer physique.
7:20 p.m. -- Little sleepy bear arrives home from work -- the child bride develops certain bear-like tendencies when she is tired and hungry.
8:00 p.m. -- Dinner. The child bride almost always makes dinner. This is not a traditional-roles-of-the-sexes thing as much as it is a Rachel-is-a better-cook thing. I still remember the sense of triumph I felt when I thought to combine the ready-made alfredo sauce and noodles with chicken and broccoli.
9:00 p.m. -- Head downstairs to write and/or record post for Welsh blog; listen to Welsh-language radio; read Welsh blogs; set out clothes for next morning.
11:30 p.m. -- Write in journal.
12:30 a.m. -- Go to bed; promise self I will somehow do better tomorrow.


OldHorsetailSnake said...

When do you have time for fun? I mean, with this schedule you obviously hardly ever have time to do a crossword puzzle.

Bethgun said...

Only a four minute snooze!? Gosh, that's like a military snooze...I thought you were a liberal. :-(

mo** said...

HAha- I was gonna say the same as bethgun...change your snooze timing- 9 min is the key!

Anonymous said...

Immersed in all that toxic sewage how could members of the vast liberal media not be so cynical? Just remember, it's not real. How many family members, friends, or neighbors do you have that are murderers, rapists, car jackers, politicians, embezzlers, etc.?